The Lost Bizzare Travels of Itachi and Kisame
by Believing in tomorrow
Summary: Ever wonder what happens between Itachi and Kisame during their mission to Konoha? Well wonder no longer! Introducing a parody of their journey to Konoha!OOCness and ItaxKisa friendship fluff! Rated M for cursing. Ch 9: Hotel Madness Pt 2! Please R&R!
1. Day 1

**Full Title: The Lost Bizarre Travels of Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame **_**before **_**they come to Konoha! A Side Story to "Can They Be Trusted?" by Natsumi Takara; written by Believing in tomorrow.**

**Full Summary: Ever wonder what happens between Itachi and Kisame during their mission to Konoha? Well wonder no longer! Introducing a parody of their journey to Konoha; related to "Can They Be Trusted?" so set in the winter. **

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. I am _not_ a Japanese male anime/manga designer; I am a simple 18 year old American girl just having fun with his awesome characters.

* * *

**Chapter 1: **Sake (rice wine) with a Weasel and Shark _**do not**_ Mix!

It had started off innocently enough.

The two had left for Konoha about an hour or two ago after Pein gave them a "short" debriefing (meaning it was long and practically pointless) when cravings ensued and, when a craving comes, there's pretty much nothing that can stop it.

Itachi desperately wanted some of his favorite sweets, the almighty colored dumpling and Kisame wanted something, _anything_ to sink his teeth into, no pun intended. So they find a small shop in the heart of a small little village tourist would come and see for odd legends and interesting myths. Unfortunately, that small shop was holding a sake drinking contest, the winner getting a free meal and a nice sum of money.

Now the two haven't gotten their irregular paychecks from a certain greedy miser in a week and they needed money. W_hy _the hell Pein _did not_ tell Kakuzu to give them money before they left (aware the quest they took on posed a long, difficult one), they would never know and is anyone's guess.

The Kiri-nin had at first suggested they just "raid the damn shop", but Itachi refused to partake in the destruction. They were proud S-rank criminals, not desperate (okay maybe a little…), pathetic, low lives, although being an S-rank Nuke-nin is typically associated with those attributes. Faced with either starvation or possible prostitution, they entered in the contest, Itachi included.

BIG. MISTAKE.

Kisame, no surprise really, won; who could beat a huge shark man over six feet tall with _that_ toned body? No one that's who. At least not any normal guys. Itachi got in fourth, shockingly; apparently the weasel had a high tolerance to alcohol, despite his smaller body frame. After the two drank, the sake started to take its devious effect on their mental state of mind; they wobbled out the shop, completely under the influence.

"Realla, yar realla wannna do it 'Tachi?" (Really, you really want to do it, Itachi?)

"Suuuuurrreeee…Kiiissssaaammmeeee," slurred Itachi, giggling, "noh wans watchin ussss…" (Sure…Kisame, no one's watching us.)

Itachi and Kisame look at each and giggle stupidly; they wrap their arm around the others' shoulder and proceed to skip/stumble down the path drunkenly.

"He's my best friend best of all best friends do you have a best friend too?" sing the two very badly in falsetto and many slurs. "He tickles in my tummy; he's so yummy, yummy, hey you should get a best friend too!" (Song: Best friend by Toy Box; I don't own this either! You should listen to it, lol)

The two Akatsuki members collapse momentarily on the snow afterwards.

"O-Kar!" cried Itachi suddenly. "Nu plaaannnn! Lesssss mack some sner anlges, Kiiisssaaammmeee!" (Ok! New plan! Let's make some snow angels!)

"Or-kay, 'Tachi!"

Passing tourist bust a gut over the hilarious sight of two supposedly hardened S-rank criminals laying spread eagle on the ground make 'sner anlges' as they called it and snap a few shots.

"Har, har, har dis isss fun, 'Tachi!" (Ha, ha, ha this is fun, Itachi)

"I noses, Kiiiisssaaammeee!" sniggered Itachi. (I know, Kisame!)

Suddenly a deep male voice fills their sake induced mind and the cease all movement temporarily.

"Itachi, Kisame are you two doing alright? How far are you away from Konoha?"

"Le-er-sa-ma? Is dat uuuuu?" (Leader-sama? Is that you?)

"…The hell?! Kisame, are you drunk?!"

"Noooohhhh, wa mack yar say dat, Le-er-sa-ma?" asked Itachi chortling. (No…what makes you say that, Leader-sama?)

"Itachi?! You too?!" he gaped stunned that he of all people was intoxicated; he'd expect it with Kisame, hell he'd even expect _Tobi_ to be drunk, but never Itachi.

"What the hell's going on? Didn't I say absolutely **no** damn drinking while on missions?! Didn't I?!"

* * *

~Flashback~

Pein stared firmly at two of his most dependable (well…generally) members in this organization, aside from Konan that is.

"Ok, so you understand that I** don't** want you to capture the Kyuubi boy, right?"

"Yes, for the last 100th time Leader-sama!" groaned Kisame and he wasn't exaggerating either; Pein could go on for hours explaining the missions he gives out, even _days_. For Pete's sake, they weren't _stupid_…well except maybe Hidan and Tobi.

"Well, I'm mainly saying this for you, Kisame, because we all know you can get carried away sometimes."

"What, I didn't mean to behead our last client! But he was pissing me off! Every time I looked he was always cracking a shark joke! He'd go: 'Oh, I'm feeling shark soup for dinner to tonight, how 'bout you?' and 'You'd be a good catch for the merladies out there' or, oohh, how 'bout this one; 'So Kisame who was the great white, your mom or dad?'!!"

Hidan guffawed loudly while chuckles could be heard amongst the members, even Pein and Konan.

"All of you shut the hell up! Do you have any **idea** how much that **hurts**? I have feelings too!" he sobbed.

"There, there, Kisame…" said Itachi, patting the poor, distraught Kisame, albeit also hiding a grin at the jokes; he had to admit, they were funny. Sure they were mean and corny, but funny nonetheless just because it was Kisame.

During that particular mission, Itachi had exhausted himself out on struggling not to just laugh, for he knew Kisame was very sensitive to things like that; the minute they got back to base, he madly ran for his room, leaving Kisame to report to Pein of what he did and face punishment alone, locked his door, and bouts of crazed laughter was heard all throughout Akatsuki and quite possibly the damn whole area.

Kisame's punishment for killing the important client wasn't too bad since Leader (and Madara) had had a great kick out the jokes he had told him from their departed client. So Pein (with the aid of Madara) made the shark nin do the all the laundry (that was the worst; have you ever seen a pile of dirt men's clothes?! It's not a pretty or rose smelling thing) and retouch everyone's fingernails and toenails with their set nail color. Then it was off to rehabilitation for our beloved shark-nin…and he hasn't be relatively the same since.

And Itachi, well…he didn't get in any trouble from Pein at least…But the Uchiha had never laughed so much in his life all in one moment and breath. He was left in tears, a splitting headache, and, like his partner, sent on a one-way trip to a psychologist (again, damnit!). Anyway, moving on…

"All of you don't traumatize him more than he already is!" hissed Itachi.

"Ehem, Itachi's right," muttered Pein, clearing his throat. "Anyway, you two be careful in Konoha since they know you've been there before even though it was a while back and traveling over there too. Oh and let me make this **very clearly**, because it is important and italicized: _Absolutely no damn drinking on __**any**__ missions! _That goes for everyone—Deidara!"

"Well I'm sorry Leader-sama for the thousandth damn time I blew up our last base when I came back drunk, un. What do you want me to do, get on my knees and grovel and kiss your feet?" asked the blonde sardonically.

"…Actually that's not a bad I idea—"

"I am not gonna degrade myself for you, you bastard!"

"Tch. Fine. Just a thought. But back to what I was saying before:_ no damn drinking on __**any**__ missions!"_

"What ya gonna do, huh?" scoffed Hidan.

Pein raises an orange eyebrow. "What, you say?" he repeated in a soft, dangerous tone. I'll make you watch every single minute of High School Musical 2!" Collective, appalled gasps were uttered by everyone.

"Don't you think you're going a teensy too far, Pein?"

"Not at all, Konan. It's perfectly appropriate and fitting."

"Such a waste of good moneyyyyy!" bewailed Kakuzu.

"Noooo…anything but that gay shit!" moaned Hidan.

"Oh but I will…once you're sober of course and are fully aware," Pein said maliciously, doing a stereotypically evil laugh.

"That. Is. Pure. Unadulterated. Evil." said Sasori, shivering in his nonhuman body; even someone without emotions trembled at the horrific prospect. "Wait, why am I still alive?"

A gloved hand raised in the air. "But Tobi likes HSM 2!"

"Are you for real's? **You're even gayer** **than I thought you were and you were already gay for watching Tokyo Mew Mew—you're a grown man!"** growls Zetsu, the darker side as mean as ever.

Tobi predicatively starts to cry.

Pein rolled his eyes at the masked shinobi's typical crybaby display. "So anyway, now that you all know the consequence, I will reiterate, just because I feel like it: _no damn drinking on __**any**__ missions!"_

~Finally End Flashback~

* * *

"You two know the punishment," Pein said in a grave tone.

"Awwwrrr, goo suuuk a boootttleee uuu bebe!" (Aww, go suck a bottle you baby!)

"Itachi I know you did not just back sass me! Get your dumbasses back here now until you're both sober ASAP!"

"Sceeeerrrw uuu, uuu waaannnaaabbeee bbbaaaaadddd assss!" (Screw you, you wanna be badass!)

"_What did you say Kisame_?! Don't make _me_ come over there, because I _will _knock **your** blue ass **back **to the ocean where you came from! I'll show you how _badass _I am, you annoyi—"

"Iiiifff yar do dat, I'rrr, I'rrr Tsukuyomi uuuu, cuz Kiiiissssaaammmeeee, mmmmmyyyy sshheeerrrkkkyyy paalll!" (If you do that, I'll Tsukuyomi you, because Kisame's my sharky pal!)

"Awwwrrr urrr sooooo swwweeeeeeeet 'Tachi!" (Aww, you're so sweet Itachi!)

The smashed shark glomped the weasel gleefully.

Pein merely snorted. Why is he even having this conversation with two—at the moment—idiots?

"In _your _condition, Itachi, I _highly _doubt that. Now enough of this bull crap; come back to base now!"

"Nnnnoooohhhhh, don wannnaaa ggoooo!" whines Itachi. (Nooo, I don't want to go!)

"That's it! I've had with you drunken jackasses!" Pein roared, fed up. "I'm sending someone to retrieve you both and** then** you will suffer double trouble—"

"Ohh, weees gonnnnaaa plays a boooaaarrrr gammesssss?" (Oh, we're going to play a board game?)

"NO you moronic stupid idiotic retarded pile of blue fish crap!" shrieked Pein yanking at his orange spikes in frustration. "I didn't say anything about that crazy Trouble game!"

"…Yyyoouuurrrr aaaa meannnnnnieee ppeerrsson!" (You're a mean person!)

"Shut up! I can't take it anymore! I'm out! You…you both just wait!" he warned ominously before severing the mind connection.

…

"Maaan wats his probbbb, 'Tachi?" (Man what's his problem, Itachi?)

"Prrrooobbbblllyyyy fffoorrgooottt two chaaannnge hhhiiissss uuuunnnddeeeaaarrrrrwwwearrr aaggaain…annndd tttaakk hhiiss antiiii-crazzz piiillsss." (Probably forgot to change his underwear again…and take his anti-crazy pills.)

"Mmmakkk sssennnssee…." (Makes sense…)

For the next ten minutes the partners just laid in the snow, staring listless up at the cloudy sky, until the shark spoke up, "…'Tachi wha hhaaapenns when youuuu diiiieeee?" (…Itachi, what happens when you die?)

The Uchiha flicked his half closed red eyes to the shark's face. "Mmaaybe uuuu, uuummm…sshhhooott I dunnnooo…" (Maybe you, um…shoot I don't know…)

"Buuuttt 'Tachi, uuu knooo eeeveerryyythaanng." (But Itachi you know everything.)

"Nuuuh un."

"Yah huh!"

"Nuh un!"

"Yah huh!"

"Nuh—"

"For the fucking love of Jashin, shut the **hell** up!"

Hidan popped randomly out of a pile of snow right beside them just as Deidara landed beside him after jumping of his airborne clay bird.

"How'd you get here so fast, yeah?" asked the blond, looking at the Jashinist curiously.

"I've been here the whole fucking time trapped! That fucking stitched _bastard _buried me fucking alive when I was fucking sleeping when we were on that damn mission yesterday! Can you fucking imagine how long it fucking took me to claw myself out?! It was a real bitch, let me fucking tell you!"

"Un…I could see Kakuzu doing that…and you said 'fucking' in every sentence, some more than once…"

"That's cuz I'm _fucking_ pissed the hell off!"

"Hay, itssss daa bllloody guy and ssomme bbloonnde chik…'Tachi. I think she preetttyyy…" observed Kisame. (Hey, it's the bloody guy and some blonde chick…Itachi. I think she's pretty…)

The Uchiha didn't reply as he had fallen asleep.

"I'm NOT a girl Kisame!" snapped Deidara irately, "why must **I** be the one who is always gender confused?!"

"Cuz you are. Now let's hurry and get these stupid asses back to base already—I got Itachi!"

"Huh, hey wait a second!" But that sneaky Hidan already took off with the sleeping weasel. "Bastard, un!" Deidara shouted out to the quickly disappearing Jashin worshipper, shaking a furious fist at his retreating form.

"…Sooo…" began the shark as he stood up shakily, "ya wannna goo too myyy plllllaaaaace or aaa hhhoottelll—AUGH!"

A fist smashed across Kisame's face, instantly knocking him out.

"Even if I was a girl, I wouldn't be some slutty one, yeah!" An irritated Deidara picked up the Kiri-nin and carelessly flung him on the back of his clay bird with a grunt. "Ugh…geez, have you ever thought to lose some weight, fatty?" he mumbled before jumping on.

* * *

A/N: Everything here is for the sake of humor. Did you find it funny? I hope so…even though I think it's not, but I tried. Check out "Can They Be Trusted?" it's where I got inspired to write this. Natsumi Takara happens to be my younger sister and she A-ok'd this little spin off. ^o^


	2. Day 1 Part 2

I had this typed up already so I was like what the heck; I'll put this crap up now.

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. If I owned Naruto, **all **the Akatsuki would still be living and breathing.

* * *

**Chapter 2: **Sake (rice wine) with a Weasel and Shark _**do not**_ Mix! Part 2

"I'm glad for once Hidan you didn't screw up."

"Fuck you Leader-sama! I brought the weasel, didn't I?! Give me some damn credit _and_ the gummy bears, you promised me!"

"Fine, take your cute, multicolored sweets," muttered Pein, tossing a five pound bag of the stuff.

"Aw hecks yeah! Kakuzu ain't getting _his_ greedy ass hands on these bitches!" cackled Hidan, catching them.

"Where's Deidara at with fish face?" asked Pein taking Itachi from Hidan and sitting the drooling, slumbering Uchiha on the ground.

"How should I know?!" growled the priest, sauntering to the exit. "Probably—" The door unexpectedly banged open, knocking Hidan in the head and off his feet. He angrily rose to his feet with a few choice words for the dumbass that had slammed the door open so carelessly. "WHAT THE _FUCK_, MOTHA FUC—"

Hidan stopped under the deadly glower of a soaking wet, disgruntled Deidara, an also dripping wet Kisame clutched in his fist by the back of his cloak, dragging the shark on the floor behind him.

"Deidara…? What happened to you?" asked Pein blankly.

"I'll **TELL** you what happened to me, yeah! **This** happened to me!" shouted the blonde, jerking the water user forward.

Pein and Hidan watched motionlessly as Deidara lugged Kisame forward with great effort and dropped him heavily on the ground by his partner.

"'Tachi, you wear too much eyeliner…put on some mascara instead…" snored a sleeping Kisame.

"Okay, why the fuck is he dreaming about makeup and Itachi?"

"Never mind that! **YOU**!" He rounded on Pein with a glare. "OWE. ME. BIG. UN."

"Oi, blonde, just tell us what happened!"

"I was getting to that you pale asshole, yeah!"

"Oh, you wanna fuck with me?! I'll fucking _own_ your ass right fucking here, right—"

"—O-K, that sounds very Yaoi-ish, you can stop right there, Hidan before the fan girls come out."

Konan suddenly burst in the room with her light blue (oddly flower shaped) camera, posed for picture taking. "Did I here that some Yaoi action is about to go down?!" she asked breathlessly in her excitement at the prospect. "I brought my—"

"No, Konan…unfortunately."

'"_Unfortunately"…what does that exactly mean?'_ pondered Hidan and Deidara at the same time.

"Aw," groaned the only female Akatsuki member sullenly, "I've been waiting for that to happen for months now…"

"Konan, no matter how great that would be, I can't allow that to happen. It would be very hard for our organization to focus on its goals. And you know a certain _someone_ (Madara) would be very displeased with that."

"I guess you're right…" she sighed. "Back to the Internet for my beloved boy on boy action."

Konan turned herself into paper and floated out the room.

"Holy shit!" gasped Hidan in realization. "_You_ like_ Yaoi_ Leader-sama?!"

Pein blushed deeply, twiddling his fingers cutely as he mumbled, "Uh…well it's a secret pleasure of me and Konans'…ehehehe…"

"WOW, are you serious, yeah?"

"If you don't tell anyone, I'll triple your pay."

"Deal!" said the blonde and silver head instantly. They're income was not very high thanks to having a tight wad of a treasurer; only Pein in his mysterious way could convince the money loving freak to pay them at all.

"Oh wait, I must flash back right now the reason why I'm wet, hmm."

"Oh joy," commented Pein and Hidan dryly.

* * *

~Flash back~

"Ahhh, the feeling of wind going through my beautiful blonde locks is so invigorating, un!" sighed Deidara as his bird flew against the gray sky, tossing his hair back with a hand.

Out of nowhere, he had the weird sensation of steadily dropping downwards.

"Hey…what the?"

A single blue eye glanced at his bird wings and noticed them progressively flapping slower and slower.

"Dang, Kisame…" remarked the blonde looking to the loudly snoring Samehada user. "You really are a fat ass; hmm…I'll have to make a bigger bird…"

At that moment, everything that could have went wrong, went wrong in the worst possible way: A mouth hand reached in his clay pouch and licked empty space. Deidara blinked a couple of times in rapid succession.

"_Oh dayum, un!"_

The bird stopped moving altogether at that second and plummeted in a straight line down. The youngest Akatsuki member screamed, gripping the clay feathers with one hand and keeping the shark-nin from flying off into the cold air.

"Holy shit, yeah! Mayday, mayday!"

He caught sight of an ice covered lake they were headed for and let loose a high pitched, effeminate shriek he later would deny on his death bed, before they crashed right through it with the earsplitting sound similar to that of glass shattering, freezing liquid and ice launching high up in the sky.

~End Flash Back~

* * *

"SEE?!" seethed the clay user, pointing furiously at Pein. "Ya _see_?! That's why you owe me!"

Hidan sniggered. "And I thought being buried alive sucked (But it still does don't get it fucking twisted!). Which reminds me; I need to kick that old bastards' ass for that later."

Pein sighed painstakingly slow, "Alright, keep your panties on."

Deidara blanched. "H-How did you know, yeah?!"

…Awkward silence.

Pein and Hidan stared at the blonde.

"Uh…just kidding?" offered Deidara with a nervous smile.

"Damn I knew you** looked** feminine, but that takes the fucking cake."

"S-SHUT UP it's only occasionally!"

"Does Sasori know? I'd like to see the look on his face when he rediscovers he has another girl under wearing partner-though…at least what you wear is more appropriate…Sasori told me about that fucking snake heathen…fucking sick…urgh."

Hidan involuntarily shuddered and gagged upon recalling. Best not to have a flash back on **that **particular incident for the safety of those reading this.

"Look Deidara I won't say anything about that odd habit you seem to have, but what exactly do you want from me? I'm already tripling your paycheck."

"Halle-fucking-lujah," added Hidan unnecessarily.

Deidara put a finger to his lips thoughtfully. "Un…never really thought about it…yeah…"

"Oh for the love of—GET OUT NOW!" bellowed Pein.

Both scampered out with a squeaky yelp. The annoyed Leader rubbed his forehead in disgust, feeling an oncoming headache.

_God, I need a Tylenol…_

Suddenly, the largely ignored Itachi and Kisame finally awoke sober due to sleeping off the alcohol.

"Ugh…where are we…?" muttered the Uchiha frowning at the dull throbbing in his temple.

"Looks like Pein's office if you ask me…see, there's his_ Junjou Romantica*_ poster hang "inconspicuously" in the corner of the wall there."

Pein's pierced lip twitched and he dashed to the poster, ripping it off and stuffing it in his desk with a blossoming blush.

"How did_ you_ of all people catch that?"

Kisame shrugged carelessly. "You could see that a mile away…unless you're retarded."

"Apparently the whole Akatsuki is because no one mentioned it."

"Wrong," corrected Itachi automatically, "we always talk about you and your obvious obsession for Yaoi. The only ones who don't know are Deidara, Hidan and Tobi. But they're retarded anyway."

Pein's jaw slackened in astonishment. _A-are they serious?! Wait…then I just tripled their pay for nothing! Goddamnit!_

"Why are we here anyway?" asked Kisame curiously. "Are we not going to Konoha anymore?"

Pein shut his mouth and a superior smirk worked his way on his lips.

_That's right, I almost forgot… _"I caught you two degenerates breaking a rule I emphasized, heck the author even _italicized_ it and you still disobeyed me!"

"Well what was it?" asked the water user.

"You both got _drunk _on the way to Konoha just a few hours after leaving here! That's absolutely ridiculous! I thought I could blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…!"

Itachi and Kisame were silent looking at their deranged Leader throw a hissy fit for a good hour in which the two began to play Goldfish after the first five seconds.

"—and I am very disappointed with your disorderly conduct!" he finished letting out a breath. "You know the consequence…and don't play cards while I'm disciplining you!"

The partners sheepishly put away the cards, looked at each other, and gulped, remembering the horrid punishment.

"But Leader-sama, we had no choice!" complained Itachi.

"Yeah, it was either enter the sake contest or starve to death since YOU didn't give us any freaking money!"

"**SILENCE YOU**—hold the phone, I _gave_ you money!"

"Did not," said Kisame stubbornly.

"You gave money to Konan so she could buy unmentionables from Victoria's Secret, NOT us," pointed out Itachi.

Pein, like Deidara, put a finger up to his lips thought fully before smacking a fist in his open palm. "Oh that's right…"

Itachi and Kisame sweat dropped.

"So we're off the hook right?" asked the blue shinobi hopefully.

"Hahaha, yeah I don't think so."

"**NANI?!"**

"Come to think of it, I said I would double it…and I know the perfect way to carry it out," he muttered after an apparent afterthought.

Both shinobi immediately rose their feet and began cussing out Pein in a heated petulant manner, infuriated by his unfairness and the injustice of it all.

"ENOUGH!" Pein bellowed for the second time of the day. Itachi and Kisame glared sulkily at their asshole of a Leader. "I'm doing this so everyone will know I'm serious…for once."

"So we're just a fucking EXAMPLE?!" yelled Itachi, uncharacteristically outraged.

"That's right."

"…Has anyone ever told you you're a sadistic dickhead?"

"Of course, Kisame."

* * *

Screams filled with pure horror and anguish and other depressing adjectives echoed from a small, dark room with a large, bright projectors screen. Itachi and Kisame were strapped tight to wooden chairs, the lids of their eyes held up by duct tape, forcing them to watch the evil film.

What time is it?  
Summertime  
It's our vacation  
What time is it?  
Party time  
That's right, say it loud

What time is it?  
The time of our lives  
Anticipation  
What time is it?  
Summertime  
School's out, scream and shout!

[Troy]  
Finally summer's here  
Good to be chiilin' out  
I'm off the clock  
The pressure's off  
Now my girl's what it's all about

[Gabriella]  
Ready for some sunshine  
For my heart to take a chance  
I'm here to stay  
Not movin' away  
Ready for a summer romance

[Troy and Gabriella]  
Everybody ready, going crazy, yeah we're out  
Come on and let me hear you say it now, right now

What time is it?

"Time for me to_ gouge_ my effing eyes out!" cried Itachi. "I can't take it anymore and it's not even been a full five minutes yet!"

"Oh Great Kami-sama above please spare me this horrible fate and smite me now!" sobbed Kisame shrilly.

"It's not over when the movies' over either…" said Pein over an intercom placed in the room; as if _he'd _be in there and possibly catch sight of_ that_ movie. "Prepare for the next featured program…a full hour of Teletubbies!"

"NOOOOOO!!!!"

* * *

Pein sat contently in his squishy spinning office chair in his enormous home office, humming contentedly.

"Wow Nagato, I must admit I'm impressed. And here I thought I was the ultimate evil."

Tobi a.k.a. Madara strode in the orange-haired office with his arms folded in mock jealously.

"How many times do I have to say this: it's _Pein _in this deva path. Aside from that, I told you I was serious Madara." Pein leaned forward on his desk, resting an elbow on the surface, "How is everyone else reacting?"

"I believe their drowning out the screams by playing loud hip hop music along with arranging a funeral for the ill-fated two in the room."

"As expected. At least they know now that play time with me is over."

"Does that mean you'll stop watching that Yaoi?"

"Oh shut up you," snapped Pein saucily. "And no; **hell **no."

_A couple of hours later…_

We find our Pein at his desk again pretending to be busy by filing away some old papers when Deidara slams his door open, causing him to jump and scatter document everywhere.

"Leader-sama, yeah!"

"**What**, Deidara?" asks Pein in a tight voice, not hiding his rising anger at the bomb artist for startling him and making his papers fly everywhere. "And for **your **sake, it _better_ be a _damn_ good reason."

The blonde ran to the large desk and banged his fist on it, to the Rinnengan users' irritation, his baby blue eye staring intently at him. "…I…" He sucked in a deep breath. "Know what I want now, un."

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember, I said you owed me for getting Kisame back here when he was drunk, hmm? Do I need to flash back—"

"No that won't be necessary," cut in Pein quickly, not wanting to go through another flash back for the year. "I know what you're talking about now. So…what is it?"

"I want you to kick Hidan's ass," he said plainly, "he stole my gift card to Hooter's, hmmm."

"What? Wait, why ask me when pretty much _anyone here _would _willingly_ do that? Minus Tobi, of course. Or you could even do it yourself."

"Because…it'll be cooler if you do it, yeah."

Pein closed his peculiar eyes and smirked cockily, his nose figuratively growing long in having his arrogant ego stroked. "Well, can't argue with that logic; what the hell, I'll do it."

"Sweet, un!"

And so Hidan found himself fighting a quickly losing battle with six Peins' with insane abilities and later, impaled with several metal rods and left to hang by these on the ceiling of his room. Kakuzu, late in the evening, walks in and a drop of crimson liquid lands on the tip of his mask covered nose; he looks up to see a mangled, but snoring Hidan.

"Must be some new religious ritual he's trying out," muttered Kakuzu shrugging and walking back out the room. "Whatever…I need a sandwich…"

Meanwhile a very happy Deidara and reluctant Sasori and Zetsu are sitting and eating in Hooter's being waited on by busty women…

* * *

I'm sorry if I offended anyone who likes _HMS 2_ or _Teletubbies_ (Really, who does? Teletubbies at least). _It was all__purely for humor_. And I don't own them either. One more thing…all girls in Hooter's are not busty…at least that's what my friends say, I've never been there myself; I only put it in just because that's the stereotype that could or could not be true and it's probably the latter.

* _Junjou Romantica_ is a popular Yaoi anime and manga XD


	3. Day 1 Final

This is the last part of Day 1. Finally they will be able to make journey to Konoha, but not before they endure some serious adversity. What will result?

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. There's a reason for that…

* * *

**Chapter 3: **Itachi and Kisame's Escape of the Year

"Keep running Kisame!"

"Helloooo?! I **am** running, Itachi-san!"

"Well run faster he's gaining on us and I am not carrying your fatass!"

"_Y-You_ think I'm fat too?! _You_, my own partner in crime?!" gasped Kisame in absolute horrific astonishment.

Itachi blinked a couple of times, realizing his slip up. It should be know that all the Akatsuki (minus Kisame of course) had surreptitiously decided not to call Kisame that (at least not in his face) subsequent to the incident involving Hidan and said shark nin during their yearly health check up.

Hidan had been forcibly stuffed and locked in their enormous deep freezer, found days later by Tobi who sobbed his eyehole out while holding a hair dryer over him until the Jashinist thawed out whereupon the understandably irate silver haired man punched his lights out for being quote: "So goddamn aggravating in the fucking morning **and **taking so long to fucking unfreeze me!"

And that was only because he'd said Kisame looked a bit chubby and needed to hold on the nachos.

"OMG, now I gotta go starve myself _again_!" exclaimed the Kiri-nin, sighing dejectedly. "Why can't I ever be normal?!"

"…Uh…Kisame I didn't mean to say that; you're perfect," said Itachi hurriedly, yanking Kisame forward when he sank to the ground almost in tears. "And forget about your weight problems right now anyway; we've got an even bigger problem with metal piercings and orange hair chasing us!"

"Get your asses back here!" roared one livid Pein, him and the five otherpaths hot on their tails, "I'm gonna wring your necks once I get you little bastards!"

"Oh yeah," muttered Kisame after leaping ahead of Itachi as the _Asura _path's arm detached itself much like Kakuzu (Kakuzu: Freaking biter!) and shot at him, imploding the ground where he once was. "…Hey—I'm not a bastard! I had a mom, damnit!"

"Kisame shut up and concentrate on getting the hell away from Mr. Insane and his buddies behind us!"

"O-K, whatever you say Itachi-san!" Kisame said in a cheerful tone, forgetting his depression over his weight. "You're the man."

Itachi smirked pompously even though they were both fleeing for their lives. _Damn straight I am._

…So I bet you're all wondering just what the hell is going on? Well it can be explain in a very "brief" flashback. (Pein: Oh, for the love of ME! Enough with the effing flash backs already!) Ignore him…

* * *

**~Overly Long Theatrical Soap Opera Style Flash back no Jutsu~**

The worst of their sadistic punishment; that is if things could get any worse than watching HSM 2, was just beginning.

"Muhahahahaha! Now get ready for the all feared Teletubbies!" laughed Pein evilly as he switched the video with a simple press of the remote control from his office.

"No, please; anything but that!"

"Oh I'm sorry Kisame but it has to be done. I'll be sure to donate some of your stuff to the Kisame fan club like you've always nagged me about." He paused thoughtfully and added, "…Though…I don't know why…"

"Well that's one good thing," mumbled Kisame, "but whatever you do don't let Suigetsu get my Samehada." (Suigetsu: Ah damnit all, sempai!)

"Sure fine. Any request Itachi in case you don't make it?"

"My request is impossible for you to grant," replied the Uchiha bluntly_. Uwaaahh! I wanna poke my foolish otouto in the forehead!_

Pein raised an eyebrow but shrugged it off easily. "Suit yourself. It was nice knowing you…eh kind of…"

The screen flickered briefly before the sweet, eerie music of the children's show starting to play. Itachi and Kisame's eyes widened further (remember their eyelids are held up by duct tape) at seeing the strange colored human-like creatures come on screen laughing and singing and talking that child like speech.

"OH MY GAWD!" they both yelled and struggled to shut their eyes, but alas…

"It's futile you know…" said Pein lazily, watching their reactions from his laptop via an out of sight camera in the room as he sucked a strawberry flavored lollipop nonchalantly. "You're screwed no matter what you try to do."

He laughed cruelly watching the two bound to their seats squirm and squeal completely helpless until the orange head remembered something very, very important.

"Oh snap, I forgot there's a special episode of _Junjou Romantica_ today! Konan wanted to watch it with me. Please don't let her have started without meeee!" he whined shrilly, jumping from his chair and hastening to her room, forgetting about the weasel and shark.

Sadly, after but a minute of Pein's absence, Kisame's head slumped to the side abruptly, eyes rolling almost to the back of his head, a line of drool running out the corner of his mouth.

"I-Itachi-san if I watch any more of this crap, I-I'm not gonna make it!" he moaned dramatically.

"No Kisame! Hang on we'll get through this together like we always do," assured Itachi, looking over at his beloved friend of many years, tears gathering in his dark gray eyes.

Kisame shook his head limply from side to side. "No, no…it's all over for me…goodbye cruel world!" he cried out his eyes going dull.

"KISAMEEEE!" sobbed Itachi, a thick stream of tears rolling down his cheeks at seeing his partner fall victim to the fatal song of the Teletubbies. "NOT KISAME!"

The grieving weasel turned an infuriated glare upon the joyful, smiling _things_ on the screen thoroughly pissed. "How dare you mock me with your happiness! I've had it!" Itachi's obsidian eyes morphed into the Sharingan before swirling into his pinwheel shaped Mangekyo, right eye focusing on the flat screen. "Amaterasu!"

His right eye bleed bloody tears as the hellish black flames instantly encased the television and slowly spread throughout the entire room. Itachi sighed, realizing the new predicament he was in.

_Real smart Itachi, set flame to a room you're trapped in…what happened to being a genius?_

Luckily for him, a small ember fell from the blazing flames and burned through the bindings of his chair; he stood up and ripped the duct tape from his eyelids, which he regretted instantly.

"Itai! (Ow)" the Uchiha yelped cutely, rubbing his sore lids, "dang that hurts like a mofo!" But he ignored the stinging sensation and withdrew a kunai hidden in his cloak's sleeve and slashed the ropes wound around his possibly dead partner. The younger shinobi grabbed the older by the shoulders.

"Kisame speak to me! Speak to me damnit!" yelled Itachi despairingly, shaking him roughly, when light snoring caught his ears; the Uchiha put his ear next to Kisame's mouth.

A large vein pulsed on his head. "You just fell freaking **asleep**?! Are you **kidding** me?! I made _my goddaman_ eye _bleed_ for this?! You're an **asshole **Kisame! An **asshole**!! Do you hear me?!"

He wrapped his hands around Kisame's neck and proceeded to throttle him furiously inside the half-swallowed Amaterasu room. Needless to say, Kisame woke to a most unpleasant wake up call.

"I-Itachi-san?! Wh-what t-the—"

"Shut your damn mouth before I do it for you!" bellowed Itachi, looking deadly…deadly.

"B-But I-I c-can't br-breathe!" Kisame managed to choke out, foaming at the mouth from the lack of air.

"Well what do you suggest I do, huh?!"

"Uh…n-not str-strangle me to d-death…?" he managed to suggest tentatively, going purple now.

Itachi laughed, cold voice filled with mirth, "Ha, yeah right as if—"

The Sharingan user was cut off when a high pitched wail sounded throughout base.

"…Crap, that's the smoke alarm!" groaned the weasel, relinquishing his hold on Kisame who fell to the ground choking painfully. "I'll deal with you after we get out of here. Come on."

"Gee whiz…" groaned the Kiri-nin, rubbing his poor, harassed throat." Give me a dang good reason as to why I should follow you after that little episode?"

"Kisame do you want to burn to death in Amaterasu?" deadpanned the Uchiha pointing behind the Kiri-nin at the black fire engulfing the small room.

"Point taken; I'm coming!"

* * *

**~About Three minutes before Itachi employs Amaterasu~**

The true Akatsuki leader Madara waltzed in Pein's workplace and saw to his surprise that the office desk was empty of the spiky haired Rinnegan user; he glanced around curiously.

"Hmm…must be watching that Yaoi with Konan again…good grief…what am I going to do to break that precarious habit?" he mused to himself, "it's worse than sempai and his fetish for girl's panties."

Madara's eyehole rested on the costly laptop atop the large mahogany desk, particularly at the video playing on screen. Interested, he slid into the computer chair, spinning around in it once just to get it out of his system and turned his attention to monitor.

"Eh? Pein you're actually watching them suffer…? Oh my that is evil _evil_…I need to catch up before he surpasses me."

He stood beside the desk and decided to take a quick peek and chuckled quietly at the tormented screams coming from the two supposedly "hard asses". It was truly entertaining seeing his great, great, great—okay there are a lot of greats ok?! Madara's pretty old after all—grandson.

Anyway, catching Itachi when he wasn't putting up his emotionless façade was always a joy to him, for some reason. And let's not get started on Kisame. Madara LOL'd when Itachi sobbed out loud for a nearly lifeless Kisame just as Pein came in, wearing a disturbed expression.

"…Do you have any idea how weird it is to hear you laugh in your own voice and not Tobi's?" stated Pein dispassionately behind him.

"Gyah!" squeaked Madara, jumping to his feet, quickly looking over his shoulder. "…Pein?! Don't scare me like that, dude!"

Pein's right bizarre colored eye twitched. "Uh…"dude"…? You do also realize how odd that sounds coming from someone as old as you right?"

"What? What's that supposed to mean? I'm still cool." The _Deva _path merely shook his spiked locks at that. "Where were you at?"

"…Oh, somewhere…" Pein trailed off mysteriously, looking off to the side with a pink blush.

"You know what? I already know so just stop."

The pierced shinobi giggled and blushed madly much in the fashion of a school girl. "Sorry…but there was a new episode off our favorite Yaoi and Konan wanted to watch it with me."

Madara just groaned, shaking his head and took a quick glance at the monitor; he gasped loudly. "Holy—Pein instead of watching that show or whatever, you should have been keeping an eye out on them! Itachi's used Amaterasu to destroy the flat screen and the room!"

Said shinobi blanched, jaw dropping. "Are you _cereal_?! Damn it I knew I should have drained his body of chakra prior to the punishment!" growled the rain manipulator as he ran out the door. "Sound the alarm and put out those flames!"

"Since when do you run me, eh?" called out Madara indignantly, but he was already gone.

The founder of the Uchiha's ran a gloved hand over his mask and hit a shiny red button on his way out the door located underneath the oak wood desk. Behind his swirly mask he smirked wickedly.

"After I take out those cursed flames it's time to find Deidara-sempai and pursue my favorite hobby— bugging the living crap out of him."

* * *

Itachi and Kisame raced through the long halls of the temporary underground Akatsuki lair, heading for the outside world above. They ran past an open door and skidded to a complete halt, backtracking to the door. Inside the large space were the remaining Akatsuki members.

Deidara was splayed out on his stomach on a bed, twirling a pen in his mouth, a piece of paper in front of him, while Hidan sitting on his behind right next to him. Kakuzu was standing, leaned up against the wall looking bored, muscular arms folded across his chest.

Lastly, Sasori was sitting cross legged on the floor holding a clipboard, possible drawing a blue print for a new puppet creation; he was wearing his black reading glass and had an extra pencil strategically placed behind his ear which meant he was in serious mode.

_Nobody_ should mess with him during this time _until_ he sits down the board.

"So…" began Deidara casually, tapping his pen thoughtful against his bottom lip, "we got all what we need to buy for the funeral written down, yeah. Who's going to give the eulogy, un?"

"Hidan. He's a priest—"

"Damnit Kakuzu, I'm sick of you renting out fucking roles for me to do ya ass wipe!" snapped Hidan.

"Can you all quiet down a bit?" said Sasori in a surprisingly calm voice, the demand directed at Hidan and Deidara. He sat down his clipboard and studied the two critically. "We need to leave. Do you not hear the alarm?"

"…Yeah I do now danna! But what's it for, hmm?"

"I know it's pissing me the fuck off cuz it's louder than Itachi and Kisame screams from the torture room!"

"…I'm surrounded by idiots," muttered the red head, sighing and standing up, Kakuzu silently following his lead. "You both can burn to death for all I care," he added coldly.

Hidan suddenly got the idea. "Jashin _damn_, there must be a fucking fire huh?"

"_Brilliant deduction _dumbass," said Kakuzu sarcastically, clapping his hands mockingly.

"Screw you stitches!"

Without any warning whatsoever, Kakuzu disconnected his fist from his arm and slammed it into Hidan's smug face, knocking him through the wall for his statement. Deidara burst into raucous laughter at the sight, clutching his sides painfully.

"Damn, un! You just got pwned!"

"Urgh…fuck you blonde…" groaned the silver haired man stuck in the wall.

"You coming Kakuzu?" asked Sasori, surprisingly waiting for the Taki-nin; Kakuzu and Sasori for some misplaced reason got along well with each other.

"Right behind you, Sasori."

"Wait for me, danna!"

"Hurry up brat. I hate waiting and you know that."

"Oi, are you dickheads gonna just leave me here?!"

"That's the plan," growled Kakuzu brusquely.

Hidan paused for a long time. And then the angry outburst came. "YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF **WHALE** ASSSES! YOU ALL WILL GO TO FUCKING HELL FOR THIS AND—"

"Shut the hell up, un. He was joking."

"Uh, no I wasn't."

Deidara stared blankly at Kakuzu who didn't budge an inch and sighed slowly. "Oh, I'll get him…hmm."

So after a lot of curses and yelling, they all left the room only to run smack into Itachi and Kisame. Hidan shook off the shock first as he spat, "The fuck is you guys doing still alive?"

Kisame glared at the "fantastic" four, hands going on his hips like your momma.

"You guys were _planning_ our_ funeral_?! How asshole-ish can ya get?"

"Well…we thought you wouldn't make it for sure," said Deidara honestly.

"Looks like you thought wrong," sneered the Kiri nin disdainfully.

Kakuzu shrugged indifferently, not caring about this new found discovery. "Humph. Good thing we didn't buy anything yet."

"Always looking to save a buck, aren't you?" remarked Itachi.

"Well duh."

"Aren't you two suppose to be on that mission to Konoha?" asked Sasori.

"Yes well, we got…a little sidetracked on the way," replied Itachi lightly.

"Yeah, getting drunk is a _little_ sidetrack, hmm."

Itachi resisted the urge to sock the blonde right in the mouth and he growled, "No one asked for your opinion, Deidara."

The clay user instantly flared up.

"What did you say _Uchiha_?"

"Are you deaf now? In addition to being _mildly_ retarded?"

Deidara face went from blank white to incensed red in a split second.

"You sonava—"

"Okay stop we have bigger issues to worry about," cut in Kisame.

"You mean like that ass of yours, yeah?"

Everyone (even Hidan) went deathly quiet after the blonde's utterance. Kisame face flushed purple in ultimate anger and his killing intent rolled of him in waves.

Deidara blue eye widened_. Oh crap that came out wrong!_ "Ki-Kisame no danna?" he muttered uncertainly, looking up at the tall shark-nin timidly.

"You've done it now, brat."

"Your ass is about to get handed to ya!" laughed Hidan. _Hah, it wasn't me this time!_

"_Deidara…!"_ snarled Kisame in a deep, ominous filled voice. "_You're—" _

Yet again something interrupted the conversation but this time it was Pein's enraged howl that descended upon everyone's ears. Kisame immediately forgot about Deidara and turned to Itachi.

"Shit damn, we gotta bailout Itachi-san!"

"Right."

They took off back in the direction they were once headed, not looking back. Hidan smirked and whistled. "Damn you got a lucky break, DeiDei." Aforementioned blonde fainted on the spot, the previous heavy atmosphere too much.

Sasori sighed and picked up his effeminate partner, throwing him over his shoulder. _The brat owes me for this…_

Pein abruptly slid into the entrance of the hallway (almost slipping) and stopped by his subordinates, breathing hard in anger. "Have you seen weasel and shark?"

"They just ran off," responded Kakuzu, "and what's with the alarm, what's on fire?—Please tell me it's not anything expensive!"

The recognized Leader sighed slowly, "Unfortunately the room they were in was completely incinerated by Itachi's Amaterasu including the new near thousand dollar premium flat screen."

Kakuzu let out a strangled squeak and collapsed on the ground upon hearing the dreaded news. Hidan just swore loudly, stomping his foot.

"Oh, that's fucking _lovely_. Now I have to carry his stitched ass. You fucking suck ya hear me Kakuzu? You. Suck. Ass. And no Konan, not in a Yaoi way," he added, seeing a blue head pop out randomly from one of the many rooms of the hall way.

"Aww, phooey." She disappeared in a storm of paper airplanes.

Pein pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperated at everyone's antics. "Alright I'm going after them. Watch the base."

"What about that fire?" inquired Sasori quietly.

"Mada—uh I mean…I took care of it."

"Mada…? Who the fuck is—"

"Love to chat, but I gotta kick some Uchiha and Hoshigaki ass!" _Time to summon my other Paths, bitches!_

And that's how it happened. Finally we can now…

**~End the Overly Long Theatrical Soap Opera Style Flash back no Jutsu~**

(Pein: What happened to the flash back being _brief_? Dumbass writer.) …Well, that was mean…

* * *

"So what to do?" asked Kisame. "I'm getting tired of being chased."

Itachi thought for a moment as he sent a _Katon_ over his shoulder at the paths to slow them down. And then it hit him like…like…that gigantic boulder a busty blonde haired woman threw at Hidan last winter when he _purposely _walked into an all female hot springs. He'd tried to warn him.

"Leader-sama look there's an annual Yaoi Convention giving out free stuff over…uh…there!" yelled Itachi pointing randomly to his right.

All the paths stopped in their tracks at that and turned in the directed direction; a chorus of squeals issued from all the bodies all of them going chibi.

"Oh seriously?! Hot damn, I gotta get me some free Yaoi shit!" exclaimed Pein joyously, running off gleefully, his paths right behind him talking excitedly.

With a loud groan, Itachi and Kisame fell to their knees in the cold snow, utterly exhausted.

"I can't believe that worked…" panted Itachi.

"Yeah me neither…" breathed Kisame, nodding. "He's gonna be pissed off once he sees there really isn't."

Itachi went pale at the thought. "Yeah you're right let's get the hell outta here before he comes back."

_Epilogue for Pein_

"I gotta text Konan about this!" said a chibi Pein gleefully, whipping out his cell as he skipped happily through the Yaoi Convention (ironically there _was _actually one happening right where the Uchiha had pointed) his other paths gone off to who knows where inside the large center.

The Akatsuki Leader was smiling joyfully swinging a hand bag titled "YAOI FOREVER" in bright red cursive letters that was filled with free things, when he collided into a person, knocking his bag from his hand. Pein picked up his bag, an anime vein popping on his forehead.

"What the hell?! Can't you see I'm walking here?!"

"Excuse me but so was I asshole!" snapped a brown haired ponytail wearing girl furiously, eyeing the other crossly.

"Bitch, do you know _who_ the fuck I am?!"

"No and I don't give a—say…why is a guy in here anyway? Are you gay?"

"Uh, no. Is it hard to believe that a straight guy can like Yaoi as much as anyone else? What's a shrimp like _you_ doing in here?"

"I happen to be a **HUGE** fan of Yaoi myself obviously."

Pein raised an eyebrow. "Well do you watch…?"

"Junjou Romantica?" finished the teen girl, opening her jacket to expose a fan based t-shirt just as Pein revealed his own.

Pein: XD Girl: XP

* * *

I hoped you likey. I don't own Teletubbies (thank Kami-sama) or Junjou Romantica. That girl btw is my sister cuz I can see her going to one if they existed. LOL. Heck, I'd go too…


	4. Day 2

**Warning (if ya wanna call it that):** There will also be subtle hints of ItaxKisa (or any other Akatsuki members for that matter when they are present) Yaoi in addition to friendship fluff, but it's very light and strictly humorous.

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. –Sigh-

* * *

**Chapter 4: **On the road with Itachi and Kisame

We find our adorable weasel and shark walking through a thick layer of snow in a dense forest, steadily making their way through large area.

"Thank Kami-sama that pierced idiot fell for that Yaoi convention thing…" sighed Kisame. "That was brilliant."

"I know. We got lucky…now we can get on to Konoha and take care of business." …_Next time Leader-sama tries to make me watch that crap again, I'll Tsukuyomi his ass._

"I guess…but I'm bored and tired from all that running…" whined Kisame. "Why don't we rest in a hotel or sumthing?"

"Oh _yes_ Kisame, that's a _great idea_, and _where_ do you suppose this hotel is in the middle of a forest, huh?"

"…Are you being sarcastic with me?"

Itachi just sighed deeply and rubbed his forehead, feeling a heachache coming on. _OMG—he's retarded._

"You know what…I have a better idea: How about we see who can make the best **life like** snowman of one of the Akatsuki and capture him/her in the best pose."

The Uchiha brightened up at that and smirked confidently. "You're so gonna lose."

"Oh puh-lease, I've been constructing snowmen since I was a _chibi_, you overgrown brat."

"You're one to talk, _Jaws_."

Kisame's lip curled. "What'd you say?!"

"Instead of bitching lets go on and do this," spat the irked Uchiha frostily. "I'm doing Deidara."

"Fine, I'm—**YOU'RE** _**DOING**_ **DEIDARA**?! I _KNEW_—" A snowball struck Kisame in the face.

"No you idiot!" hissed Itachi, blushing despite his attempt to hold it in. "As in who I'm modeling as my _snowman_. Keep your mind out of the gutter _pervert_."

"Oww…sorry…" muttered Kisame, rubbing his numbing face. "In that case I'm "doing" Hidan."

"Oh so you're _doing_ Hidan?" mimicked Itachi scathingly.

"Yes."

**"WHAT?!"**

"Only joking, ha-ha, you fell for it—_OWCHIE_!" This time it was a hefty rock that hit the Kiri-nin directly in the head.

* * *

After Kisame recovered from his mild concussion (which took a full thirty minutes), they positioned themselves at their own pile of snow, which took an additional thirty minutes to compile.

The water-user smirked. "Your ass is about to get handed to ya."

"We'll see about that," Itachi retorted hotly, "get ready to be pwned by the one of the oldest snow art techniques in the Uchiha blood lineage."

"What would that be?"

"…I just said that to be cool."

Kisame sweat dropped. "O-K, let's get ready on the count: three…"

"…Dos…"

"Uh that was Spanish."

"And your point? Does it kill you to be a little multi-cultural?"

"Fine…" said Kisame, rolling his eyes. "And…together…"

"ICHI!"

And the snowman making contest began.

"You have no chance Kisame," assured Itachi as he summoned about six _Kage Bushins_ to assist him, the copies conflating the snow into separate piles for better access. "Your ass is grass."

"Cockeyed little mutha, aren't ya? I'll put you in your place."

"Try me."

AND so for the next hour Itachi and Kisame…assembled snowy life like replicas of their chosen Akatsuki member.

* * *

Kisame folded his arms, surveying their built snowmen with a frown.

"It seems we have reached an impasse."

The match was over with a still undecided winner (it's kind of hard to do when there are no judges but yourselves after all).

Itachi was good, Kisame had admitted to himself, when he'd caught sight of the detailed beautifully crafted Deidara snowman which was doing a popular modeling position in a dress style Akatsuki cloak, looking as feminine as ever. Damn that Sharingan and its ability to scrutinize every detail perfectly.

However Kisame was no pushover. The shark-nin had also displayed his awesomeness in the art if snowman, making in his life like design of Hidan who was sticking out that abnormally long tongue of his (though nowhere near as long as a certain snake man) and giving the double middle finger, which was only too typical of him to do in reality.

The former Konoha shinobi glanced at his blue partner in crime. "So what do you suggest we do Kisame?"

"Obviously hands down declare me as winner, Uchiha bitch."

Itachi visible went red at the audacious proclamation, his pride hurt; now he was pissed and thoughts of the snowman match purged his mind as anger took over. "Do you have any last words before I _murder_ you, you impulse-gratifying bastard?" he whispered dangerously, advancing on the Kiri-nin.

"Yea: **Screw you, bitch!**"

Itachi exploded into a rage; he gave Kisame a hard shove and he fell on his back. Enraged, the shark rose to his feet and tackled the weasel with a yell.

And now a wrestling match began.

They rolled in the densely snow covered ground, smacking, pounding, biting, and clawing each other like mad. Whatever that was in reach was pretty much mauled. Incidentally, their fight was nearing progressively closer to an edge of a cliff; both were so wrapped up into the heated brawl, that they were unaware of the incoming danger before it was too late.

Itachi had just delivered a painful punched to Kisame's face when he felt that bizarre floating on air sensation mixed in with the stomach dropping sensation. The Uchiha stopped his next assail abruptly (which was headed down south, you got lucky Kisame).

"What the—Kisame."

"What?!" snapped the irritated shark, halting his next blow as well.

"I feel like we're falling…"

Kisame grunted and looked down to an empty space below, replying, "That's probably cause we are."

"Oh."

They looked at each other with identical horrified expressions as abrupt realization set in.

"HOLY SHIIIITTT!"

And they dropped down like an atomic bomb without any further prompting.

"GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Weasel and shark gripped onto each other, screaming shrilly as the sailed down to Earth below. The pair hit the bottom which turned out to be a hill top and rolled down the prominence still screaming and clinging to each other for dear life.

However, they struck a curvature sticking upwards from the ground, splitting them forcibly apart and sending them in the frosty air. Kisame landed head first in the snow and stuck there, his legs sticking straight up in the air; Itachi was the unfortunate one this time when he landed in a fir tree, home to a crazed squirrel…

* * *

"I hate that damned squirrel."

"I knew that was coming. You should just forget about it."

"No. How _dare _it attack me?!" He folded his arms crossly. "ME! Uchiha Itachi. Sexy badass extraordinaire."

Kisame chuckled lowly at the dismayed pouting weasel.

"Shut up its humiliating."

When Kisame had finally removed himself from the snowy ground he was greeted by an odd scene: Itachi in a tree, hollering his lungs out as a tiny squirrel physically harassed him with its small, but apparently deadly claws, leaving the Uchiha cut up, scratched up and extremely angry. He'd actually cursed the furry little creature out, in which it replied back in heated squirrel chatter.

It had been an amusing sight. Kisame wished he had had a camera so he'd have a souvenir a.k.a. blackmail material of the memorial event. It had taken an hour for Kisame to get the Uchiha down from the tree and night had already fallen by then. Both shinobi then and there apologized to each other and even laughed about their childish fight, albeit bitterly.

So after selecting a camping ground a camp fire was built after Kisame had gathered wood, caught them some fish (Kisame: Don't anybody say a word! Or you'll find _Samehada _up your— Me: MOVING ON!).

Itachi during that whole time had just sat on the planned camping ground, sulking morosely, only setting the wood on fire with a _Katon_ _jutsu_. Kisame sighed and sat next to the Uchiha, handing him a cooked fish on a stick which he took and bit into savagely.

"If I ever find that squirrel," began the Uchiha suddenly, chewing slowly. "Well…I hope for that squirrels' sake he doesn't run into me…because he's going to have one** hell** of time in _Tsukuyomi_."

The Kiri-nin backed up slowly as Itachi let out an evil laugh that echoed in the dark forest._ Yeap he's insane…_

"Itachi I think you need some rest it's been a long day. And we still got a few days till we reach Konoha."

The Uchiha ceased laughing and nodded, muttering, "…Yes you're right…"

"Just one thing though."

"What is it?"

"Tell me why you didn't do **jack diddle squat** to help me set up our camp site!"

"I am _Uchiha Itachi_," he said haughtily, "I don't do that kind of work."

"You fucking snobby bastard!" roared Kisame as he leapt with a snarl atop the startled Uchiha.

Needless to say…another fight scene broke out…


	5. Day 3

GAH! I'm so sorry for the stupid wait everyone! I kinda had writer's block with this chapter but know, I've gotten over it and have everything planned out accordingly. Yah, ItaxKisa fluff in this one!

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. –Sigh-

* * *

**Chapter 5:** Weasel and Shark versus…?!

Weak, faint golden rays emanated from the winter sun, slowly cutting through the heavy, gray clouds flooding through the chilly, frosty sky and illuminating the lucid, clear icicle crystals dangling prettily from the branches of trees which made them appear to be shimmering.

Various species of birds flew out the frozen foliage with cheerful chirps and into the faded blue sky while the little forest animals emerged from their well hidden homes to start their busy day. It seems the morning to come would be a serene one. However the illusion of a peaceful winter morning was broke by a loud high pitched scream.

"KISAME WHAT THE HELL?! GET THE FUCK FROM OUTTA MY SLEEPING BAG!"

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! I'M FUCKING COLD AS FUCK! I NEED BODY HEAT!"

"DO YOU THINK I GIVE A CRAP?! GET THE HELL OUT!"

There is a loud bang, like the sound of a frying pan hitting something solid and the ever reoccurring scuffle breaks out between them, colorful words through into the morning that would make Hidan swell proudly with absolute glee.

Yep…peaceful morning my ass. Not when you're a cantankerous, ornery weasel and cranky, chilly shark waking out in the early hours of the day.

* * *

"Kisame, you are the most worthless piece of crap I've ever had the inopportune to meet."

"Shut up, damn, I'm tired of the endless stream of degrading shit that keeps coming out your dang mouth!" spat the Kiri-nin vehemently. "Fucking, cold hearted ass, asshole."

Silence stretched between them as Itachi cooked the leftover fish from last night's meal with his _Katon_. Both shinobi avoided making eye contact with the other, both too proud to apologize this time around.

Kisame thought he would suffocate in the thick silence with nothing but the irritating sounds of the woods to occupy his mind when he heard a tiny sigh. Curious, he looked up and met Itachi's deep gray orbs. Regret and remorse swirled with the depths of them, a penitent expression marring his usually expressionless, impassive features.

Itachi averted his gaze and lowered his head, long bangs shadowing his countenance. His lips opened and closed as if they were trying to form the right words to convey what he wanted to say. A frustrated sigh passed those lips and he looked back up.

"Kisame…I…I'm sorry…"

The shark blinked sporadically and rubbed his eyes afterwards taking a closer look the Uchiha. "I'm sorry, but I think I heard you wrong…age must be getting to me."

"No." Itachi shook his pretty head, "You heard right, I was wrong for saying that you're worthless and hitting you on the head…with that frying pan."

"…Although that was kind of funny…at my expense of course…" Kisame chuckled and winced as the throbbing lump on his head gave a nasty throb. "Ow…fuck."

The corners of the weasel's lips twitched upwards at his partner words and he looked at the frying pan laying a couple of feet in the snow, a Kisame head shaped dent in it; his upcoming smile vanished at the sight.

"But Kisame, really…I am sorry. I lost my temper. Will you forgive me?" Itachi looked hopefully at his blue partner of many years.

"Are you stupid, I already did, silly weasel."

Kisame reached out and patted Itachi on the head. The ex-Konoha nin blushed lightly, half smiling at being treated like a kid. He had felt so young in a very long time. It was a nice feeling, he decided.

"Er, Itachi, I don't mean to ruin the moment or anything but…your cloak is on fire."

The weasel blinked and looked down at his cloak and freaked, registering a small flame making its way up to his body.

"**HOLY SHIT! PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUT!"**

"Itachi calm down, stop, drop, and roll!"

* * *

Later that morning…after the fire incident…our weasel and shark resumed traversing the winter forest wonderland, determined to reach Konoha or bust. The silence that now hung around them was a peaceful one, but uncharacteristically, Itachi was the one to break it.

"So I've decided to formulate a club…"

"What?" Kisame stared at him with his golden colored orbs. "What kind of _club _could you possible come up with, huh?"

"It's called the **"I hate that damned squirrel"** club."

Kisame sighed. "You're really obsessed with this squirrel thing, huh?"

"I won't stop until I get vengeance…ugh; I sound like my foolish otouto…"

"What makes you think you'll find that same, exact squirrel ever—"

An ominous rumble shook the still forest from behind; Itachi and Kisame stopped in their tracks as heated, unintelligible chatter fell upon their ears and turned slowly around. Behind them is a huge mass of dozens upon dozens of soldier-like squirrels, the fluffy, not-so-cute-at-the-moment creatures lined up in an orderly manner.

"Holy…crap…" whimpered Kisame feebly, taking cover behind Itachi, although it was completely pointless as his much larger frame could not be hidden by the shorter, smaller body.

The Uchiha instantly activate his Sharingan, narrowing his eyes in a cold glare at the ringleader, who was glowering just as cold back. "It's you…damned squirrel…"

Yes…that vile squirrel was **back**…and with its posse! Oh it was **so** on!

The damned squirrel chatters angrily at Itachi, waving its tiny paws at him.

He raised an eyebrow, "What's that? These are your family and friends who want me to pay to fix you tree home from yesterday?"

Kisame stared at his partner who was talking to the damned squirrel like it was human. It was an unnatural sight. Especially because it was Uchiha Itachi.

"Uh, you can understand that nonsense, Itachi?" he asked skeptically.

"Yes…" The Uchiha frowned at his enemy. "Now let's hear what you have to say, despicable squirrel."

The damned squirrel squeaked an affirmative reply following a few more ranting squabbles.

"First of all…" began Itachi frostily. "I didn't intentionally wreck your home; I rolled down a hill after getting into a childish dispute (it's none of your business to know the nature of the fight) and landed in your tree."

The damned squirrel gestured furiously at the Uchiha, a fresh wave of angry babbling spilling from its mouth.

"Your insurance on your tree went up? That is not of my fault, you must have bad insurance then if they refuse to replace your tree…and I don't care how hard it is to find a tree during the winter, go live with your family for the time being…you have a wife and six kids?"

The damned squirrel nodded. Itachi however sneered. "It's too bad I don't particular give a damn about that. Looks like your marriage is finished."

The damned squirrel actually hissed at him for that remark, bristling wildly and snapped angrily at the weasel.

Itachi chuckled darkly, "Do you mean to take me on yourself…how foolish."

The damned squirrel this time let out a mocking squeak to which Itachi blanched.

"What, you mean that's what you had planned along? Then why did you bring all of them and try to negotiate?"

…The damned squirrel gave another jeering squeak.

"You like _screwing _with me?!" fumed the Uchiha. "You're so fucking dead now!"

The damned squirrel let out a loud cry and its gang leaped into action. Itachi took a step forward, but was pulled back by the collar of his shirt. "What the—Kisame I demand you release me at once so I can make a squirrel buffet barbeque outta the little bastards!"

"Are you insane?! Do you _see_ how many there are?! You'll be butchered!"

"Not before they are barbequed!"

Itachi continued to struggle against his partner as Kisame ran for their lives, the renegade mob of squirrels after him. The shark turned a sharp turn around a mass grove of pine trees and hid behind a large gray boulder.

"Kisame, I—umpf!" A blue hand had slapped over the Uchiha to shut him up.

Itachi glared irritably at Kisame.

"I'm doing this for your own good…now shut it," he hissed, looking cautiously from behind the rock.

Itachi sighed (into Kisame's hand) and rolled his eyes until he felt a shiver run up his spine as an menacing presence in the form of a tiny figure came from out the shadows of the tree; the damned squirrel had snuck up behind them! Unknowingly!

Was this some sort of shinobi squirrel?!

The Uchiha grabbed Kisame's hand and tried to pry it off but to no avail as he had a firm grip; the damn squirrel smirked at him before leaping on the ex-Konoha nin, letting out a demented shriek of triumph. Itachi ripped of partner's hand, but it was too late as he was tackled by the insane squirrel.

Kisame didn't even hear the loud screeching brawl behind him as he was too focused on searching for the mob. Without looking behind him he said, "Itachi, I think the coast is clear…we should get out of…huh?"

Finally he noticed the brutal fight between Itachi, in which the Uchiha was losing badly for the squirrel kept dashing around, avoiding a _Katon_ and jumping back on Itachi, biting and clawing him good before he had time to be grabbed. And now, the damned squirrel's gang had arrived and the all formed a giant wave, ready to crash down on the unsuspecting Uchiha. Kisame ran toward his partner.

"Itachi, nooooooooooooooo!"

And Kisame leaped, the horde of squirrels' attacked, Itachi screamed, and the damned squirrel laughed evilly as his plans took its course.

* * *

"Ugh…"

Closed lids framed with long curly eyelashes rose slowly open, revealing deep grey orbs; Itachi groaned and sat up, blinking blearily as he observed his surroundings. He was in a quiet empty clearing in the forest.

"Where the hell am I…? And the damned squirrel…and…holy crap; where's Kisame?!"

And then it all flashed back to him instantly.

"_Itachi, nooooooooooooooo!"_

_And Kisame leaped, the horde of squirrels' attacked, Itachi screamed, and the damned squirrel laughed evilly as his plans took its course. _

"_I'll save you Itachi!" the shark nin howled as he made it to Itachi and grabbed him by the wrist._

"_Kisame what are you—AAAAHHH!"_

_His partner swung him in a circle once and launched him into the sky away from the area just before the mob of squirrels collided right where he had once stood._

Itachi's eyes widened and his mouth hung open in unconcealed astonished—Kisame took the brutal attack of the mobbish group of squirrels for him…The Uchiha found that very endearing…even though Kisame must have suffered greatly in the process.

"Oh, Kisame…" he sighed softly, "I will miss you greatly…"

"I ain't dead, ya know…"

"Ki-Kisame?!" Indeed, heroic Kisame stumbled out to the small clearing wearing a tired grin. Itachi was involuntarily breathless with laughter when he caught sight of the scratched up and squirrel mauled shark. "Damn, they got you good!"

"You're a jackass, Itachi."

"I'm-I'm so sorry, but you just—" The Uchiha couldn't even complete his sentence as he was overcome with another fit of giggles, doubled over in amusement.

"That's the last time I'm busting my blue butt for him," muttered the disgruntled shark with a sullenly pout, plopping down in the snow, exhausted after the squirrel ordeal.

Finally Itachi recollected and composed himself.

"What happened to that damned squirrel anyway? Did I get it in _Tsukuyomi?"_

Kisame grunted. "Yeah, ya managed to snare it just before I through you after all…you missed it writhing in horror." _I only saw it for five second before everything went…furry…_

"Is it dead?" asked the Uchiha excitedly.

"No."

"Damn it. What happened to the others?"

"Oh, I took care of most of them after I was finally able to form hand seals for a _Suiton_, but a few escaped taking the leader away with them. Fuck…that squirrel **is** pure evil. "

"Didn't I tell you that squirrel had it coming?"

That afternoon Kisame joined Itachi in the newly named **"I really hate that damned squirrel"** _retribution club._

Members thus far: Two.

* * *

Lol…wow, I must have been sugar high while writing this…and I was. Went to the candy store…yum.


	6. Day 4

Hiya awesome readers! Here's the newest chapter! I hope you enjoy it! I did!

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. If I did, things would have turned out **VERY **different…very different indeed…

* * *

**Chapter 6: **Having Fun with Weasel and Shark on a Rainy Day and During a Assembly

"Come on Ita-chan; lighten up."

Recently (last night) during their perilous travel to Konoha, Kisame had decided to give the Uchiha that _cute _nickname. …Why? Nobody knows.

"…It's somewhat difficult…" began Itachi slowly, "when we're being rained upon on a dark and dreary day." _Instead of snowing in the winter, it rains? Does someone hate me?_

"I guess, but I love the rain."

"That's because you're a shark."

"FINALLY! See this is why I like you Ita-chan! You say shark and not a damned fish!" Kisame hugged Itachi joyfully. "It makes me so happy!"

The weasel arches a perfectly waxed eyebrow at his partner, but a tiny pink blush spread across his pallid cheeks nonetheless at the unfamiliar body contact.

"…Well, you are my BSFFL (Best shark friend for life) Kisame."

"And you are my BPCKW (BNR) FWWOPHDFOFL too!"

Itachi stopped in his tracks from dragging the shark-nin still latched around his waist. "What? What does all that stand for?!"

"Best psychopathic clan killing weasel (but not really) friend who was only protecting his dear foolish otouto for life!" Kisame replied jubilantly.

The Uchiha depressingly dropped his head down. "Couldn't you have made a more normal and shorter and less painful acronym for me?"

"Why, I like it."

Itachi groaned at his "insensitive" BSFFL. That's what comes with having a shark man as your best friend, weasel boy!

* * *

Much later that evening, it was still pouring down raining on our weasel and shark, so they decide to call it quits for the day and take a rest stop in a large cave they lucky ran across. Itachi sinks to the cold ground with a sigh while Kisame flat out falls on his back, exhausted.

"Shit…" groaned the Kiri-nin. "This is getting tiresome. Are we ever gonna reach Konoha?"

"Eventually Kisame…it's all a matter of time…"

"Well is that time now?"

"No."

"Well fuck this shit. We've been walking all damn day, I'm freaking hungry, tired as hell, got mauled by an evil gangster squirrel and its posse; I'm done."

Itachi stared at his partner, mystified by his sudden and highly unusual negative attitude. "What do you mean "done"?"

"I mean I've had enough. I'm just gonna sit my blue ass here and stay here. Screw the mission."

"…Kisame…"

"No, don't you _Kisame_ me. I'm not budging," growled the chagrined shark, folding his arms over his well built chest. "If Leader-sama wants intelligence on the Kyuubi so bad then he should get his lazy pierced ass over here and do it himself."

"…I heard that."

Itachi and Kisame bolted to attention as the voice of Pein filled their heads and he didn't sound very happy. Not that he ever did. Unless he was watching Yaoi.

"Leader-sama," acknowledge the partners respectfully. Said respect last only few seconds. "What the hell do you want?"

"_Well!_ Is that anyway to talk to your Leader-sama? Both of you need to come here, I'm having a congregation…and not literally, use the astral projection hologram thingy."

"Thingy?" mumbled Kisame. "Did you not create—"

"Shut it and move your asses!"

Itachi sighed. "Looks like someone's on their monthly."

"I fucking heard that too!"

Both partners sighed deeply and put their hands together; they focused their thought waves and altered them into chakra.

* * *

"Where are Itachi and Kisame at, un?"

"Quiet." Pein closed his eyes and reopened them upon receiving their chakra conversion thought waves. "All right…finally…"

The virtual images of Itachi and Kisame, refracting its usual array of spectral colors, materialized in the cave like meeting location; everyone except Tobi (who was currently guarding his spice garden from the heavy rain outside) was present and fully accounted for.

"Nice of you to fucking join us."

"Shut up Hidan!" snapped Kisame waspishly, "I ain't in the mood for your retarded dumbass."

"The fuck you just call me?! Oh it is on, bi—"

"Hidan shut your big ass trap before I _**stitch**_ it shut."

The Jashinist scowled and swore violently under his breath but reprehensibly obeyed, knowing the Taki-nin just might carry out his threat.

"Leader-sama what's with the sudden meeting?" asked Itachi, getting straight to the point.

"Oh, I just wanted to ask…WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING YOU TWO SO DAMN LONG?! I THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE AND ON YOUR WAY BACK BY NOW!"

"LOOK HERE ASSHOLE," shouted Kisame, fed up, "WE'VE HAVE HAD A HELL OF A TIME TRAVELING TO THE DAMN LEAF VILLAGE! BESIDES IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE DAYS NOT COUNTING TODAY!"

"DO YOU THINK I GIVE A CRAP?! And what's with this "screw the mission" I heard outta your mouth, eh?!"

"It's just as you heard; I'm sick of this retarded mission and I'm sick of you!"

"Yeah?! Well that's too damn bad cus I rule you."

Kisame scoffed contemptuously and rolled his eyes. "Not no more you don't cus I quit!"

"Wh-what?!" Pein's bizarre eyes widened. "You, you can't quit!"

"Yeah, well I'm about to right now."

"You can't!"

"I say I can!"

"Can't!"

"Can!"

"CAN'T!"

"_CAN!"_

"_CAN'T!!!!"_

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP!" **

Everyone gasped dramatically and turned their eyes on the only female in Akatsuki, Konan, who had shockingly been the one to yell. Her deep amber orbs surveyed her childhood friend, an irritated frown on her lips.

"Pein, stop bitching to them I'm sure they're doing the best they can."

"But…but…he's talking back to me…" Pein pouted, poking his bottom lip out. "I'm supposed to be the Leader. And everyone's supposed to obey my command."

Konan ran a thin, delicate hand over her face at his immature behavior, exasperated. "You're such a child…and remember, it's partially your fault why they're delayed, remember the punishment you gave them?" Itachi and Kisame involuntarily shuddered at the horrid memory.

"Oh…right…" muttered the Rinnengan wielder.

"Now…apologize or no Yaoi today…"

"Yes ma'm…"

The Akatsuki suppressed the urge to LOL at the submissiveness of Pein to the blue haired kunoichi.

"Holy fuck…Leader-sama's a damn pushover…" sniggered Hidan gleefully. "Wimpy asshole…"

"I know…yeah," giggled Deidara into his hand only to let out a disgusted yelp. "Damnit, my hand mouth tried to make out with me again!"

Everyone gave him a sickened look. Deidara stared at them, "What, hmm?"

Sasori's eye twitched. "That's absolutely revolting…"

The blonde shrugged. "Well, they do. It's like they have a mind of their own." There was a quick shuffling of feet as everyone moved away from the clay user. "Aw, come on they don't bite, un."

"Yeah, they molest," said Kakuzu flatly.

"Pein, enough holdups," growled Konan, "apologize."

"Yes ma'm." The spiky orange haired shinobi nodded and looked to the weasel and shark and hung his head in apology and shame. "I am sorry for my disorderly behavior."

Kisame let loose an enormous sigh and scratched his gravity defying navy blue locks. "Nah, it's not your fault. I've just been feeling like crap for some reason."

"Obviously ya got a stick up your fish ass."

"Up yours Hidan!" snarled Kisame. "Are you looking for an early shave because Samehada and I will gladly do so for free!"

"Ready when you fucking are—"

"Hidan, leave my partner alone," snapped Itachi, "I will not tolerate your unruly attitude towards him."

Kisame turned and gazed with sparkly eyes at the Uchiha.

"You…you do care…"

"Of course Kisame," Itachi smile warmly at him. "Besides…that's my job."

"Uh…okay…?" The Kiri-nin didn't know what to say to that.

"Well, I think I'm gonna watch my fave Yaoi show now," announced Konan abruptly. "Pein come."

"Yes ma'm."

Hidan snorted. "Damn she got you wrapped around her pretty little finger don't she—_**SHIT!"**_ Strong fingers gripped the front of the Jashinist cloak and Hidan found himself, once again, stuck head fist in the side of a (rocky cave) wall.

"Next time I will make it full body!" growled Pein dangerously, ringed eyes glittering ominously.

"That's what he deserves…" muttered Kisame, smirking happily at his unexpected revenge.

Kakuzu grinned and chuckled underneath his cloth masked. _Man I could kiss Leader-sama for that._

Deidara, like always, burst into hilarious laughter, holding his stomach painfully. "Saw that coming, yeah."

"Girly blonde when I get outta this Jashin damn fucking wall I'm coming for your ass next—after Leader-fuck!!"

"Oh, really?" asked Konan excitedly. "Let me get my—"

"Not in a fucking Yaoi way for the love of Jashin!"

The female Akatsuki member pouted. "Damn it."

"Don't worry, we got the amazing Internet for our satisfaction!" said Pein.

"True. Let's go now!" The childhood friends, arm in arm, skipped out of the meeting place; Pein looked over his shoulder.

"Oh and by the way, you're all dismissed. Itachi, Kisame, I expect a report in a couple of days. Everyone else…do whatever the hell you want but don't disturb me and Konan for a few hours."

With that, they exited from the assembly with loud giggles.

"_You know the scary thing is…they aren't doing what a couple's supposed to do,"_ muttered Zetsu's white side, finally speaking up from being the quiet, casual observer. **"I'm out. Later bitches."** The plant man sank into the ground, disappearing instantly.

"That is so awesome," whispered Deidara to himself, "it reminds me of art; here one moment…gone the next one moment. Beautifully fleeting…except…Zetsu isn't very beautiful, yeah."

Hidan swore as he attempted to pull himself from the wall, hands pressed against the smooth surface and pushing against it, but the effort was practically wasted.

"Fuck…I'm fucking stuck like how fucking peanut butter gets stuck to the roof of your damn mouth."

"That's what you get for being a stupid ass," stated Kakuzu nonchalantly, walking past his stuck partner, heading for his quarters to count his beloved stash. "Learn to "shut the fuck" up as you often tell others to do."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP (hypocrite) YA OLD AS A FUCKING DINOSAUR STITCHED ASSHOLE!"

For once Kakuzu didn't lose his temper and continued on his way as if he hadn't heard the crazed zealot.

Itachi turned to his blue partner. "…Kisame let's go before we catch retard from Hidan."

"I FUCKING HEARD THAT YA DAMN WEASEL!"

"I'm all for that," agreed Kisame and they dematerialized from the gathering place.

Deidara turned to his senior partner. "So, danna we're the only ones left…should we get Hidan out, yeah?"

"Yeah…in a few days…or weeks…"

"SON OF A FUCKING BITCH ASS PUPPET BITCH!"

Sasori deliberately ignored Hidan and also walked to the exit. "Let's go brat."

"Ok danna, yeah," said Deidara cheerful, following behind him enthusiastically.

"HEY, YOU ALL JUST CAN'T JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE! SOMEONE BETTER DRAG THEIR SORRY ASS OVER HERE AND HELP ME!" Not surprisingly, he did not receive an answer. The priest howled out his anger and frustration. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE'S WILL PAY FOR THIS JASHINDAMNIT!"

* * *

Itachi and Kisame opened their eyes slowly, returning to the cave in full awareness. It was already dark outside the small cavern and the heavy rain, now a frigid sleet storm, was bucketing downwards from the heavens.

"Damn it, now it decides to hail on us?" growled the shark huffily. "I'm so freaking pissed."

"So…are you still "done"?" asked the Uchiha curiously.

"Nah…I'm calm and can rationalize now…I was just tired."

"Well that's good…" Itachi smirked mischievously. "You're sure there's no stick up your ass? Cus you were awfully bitchy for a moment."

Kisame glared at the smart-mouthed weasel. "Yes Itachi-teme. Do me a favor and fuck off will ya."

"Ok, just joshing with you."

The shark-nin lay back down on the ground and closed his eyes. "Let's call it a night."

Itachi frowned. "But I'm tired of sleeping on the ground. I want to find a place to stay where I can sleep on a bed."

"Perhaps tomorrow if we reach a town we can find one. One more night ain't gonna kill ya."

"Hump. Very well."

The Uchiha resentful curled up on the dirt ground and tried to find a comfortable position. A strident snoring told him that the blue shinobi was dead asleep already under a span of 2 milliseconds; a new record not even the laziest guy could beat. Itachi shut his dark gray orbs resignedly, blocking out the thunderous noise and breathed out through his nose and mouth concurrently and a smirk formed on his full, pouty lips.

_Tomorrow's another day…I will have a bed to sleep next time. Count on it._

* * *

Me: Oohh…what could Itachi have planned for tomorrow?! Read to find out! Oh and Pein…

Pein: What do you what of me, Datenshi?

Me: I just wanted to say that I actuallyrule you for _I_ am the one who control's what happens in this plot.

Pein: -pauses thoughtfully- Huh…well that **is** true…but whatever. I have to go; I'm missing out on my Yaoi time. –leaves-

Kisame: -mouth drops- You mean to tell me that _**YOU**_ are the one responsible for my suffering?!

Itachi: And for that damned squirrel?!

Me: -backs up- If I say yes, will I die?

Both: -roars- YOUR ASS IS MINE!

Hidan: Don't forget me cus she made me get stuck in a wall fucking twice!

Me: Gyah! Time for me to run like hell! Peace out till next time! –runs-

Itachi: -chases- There won't be a next time once we're done with you!

Kisame: Yea, ya evil bitch…who would appreciate it very much for readers to review. Thanks for reading!


	7. Day 5

Me: Heya! I'm ALIVE! This chapter is dedicated to _Silverwoulf_ _who_ saved me from the meanie weasel, shark, and priest!

Itachi & Kisame: Damn them both…we'll get 'em next time.

Hidan: Am I out that fucking wall yet?

Me: Nope! Anyway, this is by far one of my favorite chapters! I hope you like it too! A certain someone with his overly loyal companion appears!

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. In my profile it says I'm in America and last time I checked, Kishimoto-sama was IN JAPAN and a MAN (I'm a girl, if you didn't realize it!).

* * *

**Chapter 7: **Hotel Madness with Weasel and Shark

"That's the one."

Kisame stared incredulously at the relatively enormous edifice Itachi was gesturing to, razor sharp teeth revealed as his jaw dropped to the ground. "Are you_ kidding_ me Itachi?! Do you know Kakuzu will have a damn _heart attack_ (though the contemptible bastard somewhat deserves it) if we stay **there** of all places?!"

"And I care because…?"

"What the hell do mean by that?!"

The hotel our lovely weasel and shark were arguing about was indeed of expensive quality located in a quaint town. It was a famous five star hotel called _Takaimiki_ which was lavish, luxurious, and sophisticated place to stay at. And it doesn't come cheap.

"Look, look at the pricings for _**one night**_ and a _**one-bed room**_; freaking_ ¥56550*_!" exclaimed Kisame in disbelief. "Now I'm no Kakuzu but I sure as hell do not want to dole out that much cash for a single night. Besides we're almost near Konoha, it's like a day or two away, right?"

"I don't care Kisame, I want to stay here. Now. Pronto. Stat. ASAP."

The Kiri-nin let out a reasonably frustrated groan. "I'm telling you we ain't got the money ya stubborn weasel!"

But Itachi was tired of sleeping on the cold snowy ground for four days straight and he had high, refined taste and his taste screamed stay in **that **hotel, damnit. His cold voice grew icier than that of the temperature of the weather (which was 0 degrees Fahrenheit), **"Now Kisame do you want to stay in the hotel or in your own version of HELL via Tsukuyomi?"**

The menacing threat rendered Kisame virtually speechless. Being trapped in Itachi's sadistic, mind-raping _genjutsu_ for a good week was a fate worse than death in his eyes. And beggars can't be choosers. Still Kisame was about to retort when the riled up Uchiha swiped a kunai from his vast sleeve and pointed it dangerously close to his face.

"Kisame…I am not joking," he stated coldly, red Sharingan glittering precariously. "In the hotel I want you now."

"Woah now…" began Kisame grinning weakly, trying to lighten up the suffocating atmosphere. "Don't you think we should go a little slower?"

Twenty year old Itachi blinked twice and lowered the kunai, giving his partner a quizzical yet peculiarly innocent stare. "What are you talking about?" Obviously the Uchiha didn't understand what he was trying to get at.

"I'm saying don't you think we should go _steady_ before we just up and _do it_?"

Itachi blinked again before he blushed deeply and socked Kisame right in the kisser. The shark-nin fell heavily to the ground for the umpteenth time during this insane journey and sat up a moment later, groaning and rubbing a sporting painful swelling on his head.

Apparently the Uchiha too, did not get the fact that he was just joking. Either that or he has absolutely no sense of humor. And it's probably the latter.

The insane weasel ended up forcefully dragging Kisame towards the hotel, determined to spend an expensive pampered night there, ignoring the blue shinobi's gripes and moans until he went somber and gave in.

* * *

"Welcome to Takaimiki!" greeted a pretty blonde blue eyed woman at the desk, smiling sweetly as the weasel and shark entered. "My name is Ibuki Harune! How many nights would you like to stay?"

"One," said Itachi tonelessly.

"And two beds right?"

"One bed," corrected Itachi.

"…" Harune hesitated, "…I'm sorry but I think I heard wrong—"

"You heard properly," cut in Itachi frostily. "One room. One bed."

The blonde hotel lady blinked and looked between the partners with a curious, raised eyebrow. Kisame could have face palmed right where he stood. Did his supposedly highly intelligent co-worker know how wrong that sounded in more than five different ways?

"O-kay then…" _Wow…our first non-straight male guest…_ "How will you be paying sir?"

"Just put it on my credit."

"And your name would be?"

"Pein. That's P-e-i-n."

"…Right…" _Weird name…_

Kisame sighed deeply, not believing that they were using their own leader's credit card. Itachi was one sneaky, crafty…and smart weasel bastard. He'd admit that much.

"Alright Pein-san, would you like to include our relaxing hot springs resort and our luxurious room service for only ¥9425** more?"

"Sure, why not."

Might as well milk Pein's credit for all its worth, right? Besides…the Uchiha could use a relaxing dip in the hot springs after all the shit his been through since they began this expedition.

"Okay then I'll just need a picture I.D to confirm your identity."

The shark-nin started at the simple request; how in the _fuck_ were they gonna get away with this plan now? Neither of the two looked even remotely like Pein, thank Kami-sama (it's not like he was ugly or anything but having all those piercing was just a little _too _hardcore for Kisame). But Itachi easily already had expected this.

"Miss," he began smoothly. "My—AUGH!" The Uchiha suddenly collapsed on the ground, writhing in agony; Kisame and Harune yelped simultaneously and rushed to the fallen Uchiha.

"Oh, my g-goodness; s-sir, a-are you o-okay?!" _Holy shit this wasn't in the job description!_

"No…" he moaned clutching his face. "No, I'm not okay." _Dumb broad._

"_Omigosh what do I do?!"_ Kisame panicked, running around in a frenzied circle. _"What do I doooo?!"_

This was terrible! How the _hell_ would he explain to everyone in Akatsuki that his partner suddenly collapsed without warning and (fearing the worst would happen) died?!

"What can I do to help?!" asked Harune desperately, being much more helpful than the terror ridden shark was.

Itachi peeked from his fingers and said very calmly: "Would you check and see if I have something in my eye?"

"Sure I—"

Suddenly, the Uchiha's dark eyes quickly morphed into the crimson Sharingan and cast a powerful _genjutsu_ on her. Her bright blue eyes went dull and she stared blankly ahead, a line of drool running out the corner of her lips due to her lackadaisical expression. A dull "uhh" kept streaming out her mouth.

Itachi stood up slowly and helped the partially inert girl to her feet. "Now what were you saying about I.D, miss?"

"Uhhhh…Nothing sir," she replied with the liveliness of a zombie, "uhhhh…Your room will be 697. Have a nice stay…uhhhhh…graham crackers…"

"Thank you." said Itachi, being politely smug (if that's possible). _Oh yeah. Still got it._

The Uchiha turned to his partner who was still running around screaming like a chicken with his head cut off. He sighed and grabbed him by the back of the cloak collar when he ran past him, yanking him back and holding him in place. The Kiri-nin still kicked his legs out in a running motion, even though he was held aloft in the air.

"Oh my God! Fucking damnit!"

"Kisame…"

"Leader-sama is gonna fucking kill me!"

"_Kisame…"_

"What the hell caused him to just collapse like that anyway?! Goddamn it Itachi, you bastard, why?!"

"_**KISAME!"**_

"_What Itachi?!"_ snapped the shark angrily. "Damn, can't ya see I'm trying to mourn for—_ITACHI?!_ YOUR'RE AH-LIVE?!" He pounced on the Uchiha, who let out a sharp cry, as they hit the marble floor, the water-nin perched heavily atop him. "Itachi, Itachi, thank GOD you're okay after all!" he sobbed, squeezing the Uchiha tighter in his arms.

"Yes you blue idiot so quit your blubbering and get off me, I can't breathe!"The water-user complied and Itachi rose to his feet, brushing himself off. _Deidara was right about his weight problems, goddamn I thought my lungs were gonna be crushed for a second._

"Itachi, what hell happened to you?" he demanded ruefully.

"It was a planned out move Kisame. I never was hurt, how stupid are you?" scoffed the Uchiha plainly, "I only wanted her to look into my eyes so I could employ the jutsu."

"Humph." Kisame folded his arms and murmured, "That's cheating and foul, Itachi. And I can't believe she feel for that dumb old eye trick. How retarded can you get?"

"So." The weasel shrugged carelessly. "And I believe you fell for that "dumb old eye trick" as well, just as she did."

"God damnit Itachi I was worried the hell for you!" Kisame pouted looking down at his feet with an angry blush. "And you could have at least warned me, I thought I was going to piss myself in worry!"

Itachi's lip trembled in humor, but he had to admit it was very sweet of his partner to be so worried for his well-being. So he patted the vexed Kisame on the head affectionately. Said shark looked up at the Uchiha with half watery eyes, facial expression adorably chibified.

"It's nice to know you care so much." He smiled genuinely at him. "Really, Kisame."

"Itachi…"

"Hm?"

"You're still an asshole."

"…You know you just killed the moment right?"

* * *

After a brief shouting match, our weasel and shark quickly made up again and walked to the elevator and stepped inside when it opened its steely doors. Kisame reached for the dull buttons and paused with his finger hovering over one.

"Uh…what's the floor number?"

"Floor eight." _I just told him five seconds ago. _He sighed deeply._ The attention span…of a cockroach. _

"Okie dokey, artichoky!" Itachi stared at him. "…What it's an expression!"

"Can we just move along now?"

Inexorable subservient as usual, Kisame cheerfully pressed the circular button with the #8 etched on it. The button gave off a pallid florescent glow and the elevator shifted upwards. At once, irritating elevator music (that was supposed to be soothing but had the opposite effect) played loudly with the closed chambers. After only a minute, Itachi snapped, yanking the box from its wires and dashed it to the ground with a huff, to Kisame's great surprise.

"Damn annoying music…" the weasel mumbled. "No one wants to hear that shit…"

"Well that's new."

"Quiet."

There was a tiny ding as the elevator stopped and opened its steely doors, admitting them to go on out.

"So Itachi, the room number was 697, right?"

"Yes." replied the Uchiha walking down a lane sectioned "600-650". "It should be over here—hey!" Itachi yelped when the back of his collar was pulled back and he was dragged in the opposite way. "Hoshigaki Kisame, release me with all deliberate speed at once!"

The Kiri-nin paid no mind and steered Itachi into the right direction of their room. Honestly the Uchiha was getting blinder and blinder each day. One day they would seriously need a see-eye dog.

"Here we are…" muttered Kisame to himself. "Where's the key?"

"…"

"Itachi?"

"…"

"Itachi answer me!"

"Blow me."

The shark paused, about to get angry at the rude comment, but smirked when he thought of a better response. "…Well, I thought you could wait till we at least get insi—_aaaagghhhh!"_ Once again Kisame met the floor with his face by means of a swift round house kick to the legs.

"You are a _pervert,"_ hissed Itachi, flushing embarrassedly, "I didn't mean anything like that! Now get your blue ass in there now."

"I would have if you had just given me the damn key!" snapped Kisame irritably, getting to his feet gingerly. "Why didn't you just hand it over anyway?!"

"Because you needed to be punished for yanking me down the hall."

Kisame almost raised a hand to bitch smack the irksome weasel but he withheld the tempting urge and sighed deeply.

"Whatever, just please open the damn door so we can go inside."

"Very well Kisame."

Itachi withdrew from his cloak the card key and slid it through the electronic lock and grabbed the door handle, twisting it and pushing it open. The light automatically came on, illuminating the lavish room in a soft fluorescent glow.

"Goddamn this is a nice ass room…" said Kisame, eyes wide with wonder.

And so it was. The span of the habitation was red-gold schemed, beautifully decorated and furnished. It had a large plasma TV hanging from the wall on the right side, the king sized bed with scarlet sheets facing it up against the wall on the left. The large room was festooned with various plants and paintings artistically placed for decorations. It also had a complete bathroom, small kitchen area, and a desk with a few chairs.

"Yeah a bed, a bed!" cheered Kisame. He ran and jumped on it with a loud thump, the soft mattress sinking in somewhat. "Thank Kami-sama!"

"I agree…" said Itachi, half smiling at his partner's glee. "Sure beats the hell out of the ground."

"Yeah, I must admit that. Look they even have free complimentary robes!"

"That's nice…well I'm going to the hot springs. Care to join me, Kisame?"

"No way!" yelled Kisame, bolting up. "Do you want me to be a lobster?! I'll be waiting here watching some mind numbing television thank you."

Itachi rolled his eyes and shrugged, leaving out the room. "I'll be back in thirty."

* * *

The Uchiha entered in the resort onsen wearing only a short white towel wrapped snugly around his narrow hips (insert many drooling girls) and a smaller, folded towel on his head. A small smile spread on his pale lips.

"I've always wanted to do this."

And with a tiny shout of joy, he dropped his towel and jumped in with a resounding splash of the hot liquid. He sank up to his chin in the depths of the water, eyes closed blissfully.

Ah…finally…after all the hell he's been put through during the very first day he accepted this mission, he would finally have a nice day. No squabbling with Kisame. No damn squirrel. No Akatsuki. This was _Heaven_.

Itachi thought he could even hear chibi cherubs singing and playing harps, harmonious music and heavenly light shining down around him. But the music suddenly came to a screeching stopped and the euphoric light went dull as the ethereal, serene atmosphere was shattered by a splash preceding a familiar hissy snake like voice reached his ears.

"Did you get the extra towels yet?"

Itachi froze like water at thirty two degrees Fahrenheit and quickly took cover behind a large fake boulder (placed there for authenticity) and peeked from behind the mass. The color from his face drained when he caught sight of the owner of the voice.

The legendary Sannin himself, Orochimaru was sitting in the hot spring bath, leaned against the rim with his head resting partially on the damp floor.

_Oh shit _(draw out the "it" part for full effect), this was **definitely** not good. For just one idyllic second he was in Heaven, but now he'd dropped back into the pits of Hell. Oh woe thy name is weasel.

"Kabuto?" called the abnormally pale man again. "Kabuto where the hell are you?!"

"I'm coming my Lord." came the almost annoyed reply.

"Oh…well good."

The gray haired medical jutsu user entered in holding a stack of snowy white towels. Itachi made a mental note to tell the owners of the hotel to_ burn_ **all** their white towels.

"This hotel sure is something, huh, Kabuto?" remarked Orochimaru out of nowhere.

"Yeah as far as expensive ass hotels go."

The Uchiha wondered briefly why they _were _here in this deluxe luxurious hotel. Were the rich or something? Or maybe they were taking a lavish vacation…Itachi snorted. Bull shit they are. That snake bastard was probably after his otouto. As usual. He was such –in honest truth- a dickhead. So he couldn't get _his _body, and now he pursued his precious otouto.

Itachi was very glad Sasuke had decided for whatever reasons not to go with Orochimaru; he thanked the Takara's in part for that. Good thing he'd left them alive (that was his intention anyway). He was surprised Orochimaru hadn't thrown a hissy fit yet about his unsuccessful attempts to get his foolish otouto. Just then an angry splash of water sounded in the bath.

"Damn it I want that _Uchiha Sasuke_ so damn **bad**!"

Whoops, looks like he thought too soon.

"Orochimaru-sama…" spoke up Kabuto, as he slid into the steamy depths of the torrid, turbid water with his master. "I know and understand why you want Sasuke but don't you think you're a little obsessed?"

"What do you mean?"

The medic-nin sighed and sank half-way in the hot liquid up to the tip of his nose. "I mean he's only, what, sixteen now, right? And he was only twelve when you up and decided to use him as you're body."

"Kabuto, what are you saying?" he asked suspicious laced in his snaky voice.

"Weeelllll you're a pedo."

"I'm a what?"

"A pedo, as in _pedophile_."

"What gives you that idea?!"

'_I can think of __**fifty **__good__ reasons…'_ thought Itachi dryly. And he was serious. That goddamn snake perverted bastard.

"Do I really need to say them _all_, Orochimaru-sama?"

"T-There's that many?"

"Sorry but yes. Many people believe you to be nothing more than a man/boy-child crazed perverted old snake bastard who needs to get a life."

Itachi sniggered in his hands. Kabuto hit the nail on the head with that one.

The perverse Orochimaru frowned, "Well that's not very nice of them."

"You set yourself up for it," deadpanned Kabuto, "honestly, you shouldn't be surprised."

"Well if I had gotten a hold of Uchiha Itachi I wouldn't have to bother with Sasuke-kun."

"Itachi was still a teen at the time if I remember correctly."

Orochimaru paused. "Huh…very true…but he was just so…_yummy looking."_

Itachi almost gagged; Orochimaru spoke of him like he was a piece of candy! That was the last straw. He had to get the hell outta here! It was time to do something very desperate and drastic.

The Uchiha silently weaved hand signs and whispered _Mizu Bushin no Jutsu._

A clone of his otouto appeared next to him made up of the opaque water. Sasuke's clothed clone stared blankly at him, waiting for a command. Itachi resisted the urge to poke his adorable otouto in the forehead for old times' sake, but he pushed the desire down for the need of his escape.

"Listen," he began in a hushed whisper, thanking his lucky stars Orochimaru and Kabuto were chatting to loudly to hear him, "I need you to distract those two by any means possible so I can get out of here with my sanity intact."

"Understood."

"Alright, I'm trusting you…move in…now!"

Itachi jumped atop the water surface, chakra surging through the soles of his bare feet and, covering himself, ran for it, just as Sasuke clone copied him, except he sashayed over to the Sound nin, one hand on his hip.

"_Orochimaru-sama~" _Instantly, the pale snake snapped his head to the smooth voice and his eyes shaped into large hearts and his mouth dropped as he caught sight of the object of his desire coming to him in a very seductive manner, smiling sweetly.

"Sasuke?!" said Kabuto disbelievingly. "What the hell?!"

"If this is a dream…please don't wake me up!" shouted Orochimaru, jumping up and dashing madly across the water's surface to the young Uchiha, arms wide. He didn't even notice the elder Uchiha run right past him, mere feet away, too blinded by overwhelming ecstasy.

But Itachi saw him and almost vomited on the spot when he caught sight of the snake. It wasn't because of what he **wasn'**t wearing; rather because what he **was** wearing. Quickly he tore his eyes from the horrid sight and made it to the exit, slamming it closed.

Kabuto blinked, hearing it and looked to the sound. "What on earth was that?"

"Sasuke-kun your delicious body is MINE at last~" Orochimaru took a flying leap at the smiling Uchiha and glomped him. The clone burst into water, to the snake's horror. "Oh no I popped him! Uwwaaaaa!"

"That was not Sasuke, my Lord it was a water clone." Kabuto sighed.

"NOOOOUUU!" wailed Sannin bemoaning the lost Uchiha that had escaped right through his arms again.

* * *

Itachi rushed in their shared room and slammed the door behind him breathing hard like he'd just run a breast cancer marathon.

Kisame, lying on the bed watching TV as he said he would, stared at him. "You're back early…did I, uh, miss something?"

"I saw Orochimaru."

"Yeah, so." He shrugged. "I mean sure he's creepy as hell but what's the big deal?"

"I saw Orochimaru…in a _Speedo_."

Kisame's face went from perplexed to downright gross out. "…Oh…**sick dude**…"

"Yes. Now if you'll excuse me…"

"Wait, where are you going?"

The Uchiha gave him a meaningful look. "Where do you think—to stab my eyes out."

* * *

Itachi: -mumbling- Speedo…Orochimaru…-shudders and goes into fetal position- Must gouge out eyes…

Me: Poor weasel…I think I've gone too far this time…

Kisame: I'll say ya evil bitch.

Me: He will live…but I'll make it up to him…_*Maybe…*_ Anyway thanks for reading! There will be a part two for _Hotel Madness with Weasel and Shark_! What will happen next in the hotel during the night and morning?

* Roughly 600 US dollars

** Roughly 100 US dollars so total cost is 700 dollars in their hotel stay. Damn.


	8. Special Omake Intermission

Sorry for the late ass update. T-T Was supposed to be up Friday but something was wrong with my document uploader and it didn't get fixed till today. Sigh. And I'm sorry I know this isn't really the next chapter. But I promise I will have it out as soon as I can. This is the morning of Day 5. Just something fun I wanted to write for this. Itachi and Kisame are not in this one. But enjoy.

* * *

**Special Omake Intermission:** A Classic Akatsuki Morning

It was early morning at the Akatsuki lair. The wakeup call as usual was Tobi's screaming as Deidara chased after him, wielding a rolled up newspaper, his weapon of choice for this morning.

"Sempai, Tobi is sorry Tobi walked in on you doing number two in the bathroom!"

"Fuck you, you little shit head, yeah!" roared the angry blonde angrily, blushing as he tried to pull up his falling pants. "This time I'm going to stuff clay so far up your stupid ass, that you will be constipated for months!"

"No Tobi doesn't like that!" he wailed.

"Well too bad I don't give a flying shit! Get your ass over here!"

"NOOUU!"

"TOBI, UN!"

"NOOOOUUUUU, SEMPAI!"

"What the fuck man?!" groaned Hidan, sticking his disheveled head out his room doorway. "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep ya Jashin damned dumbasses or someone is going to catch my fucking hell!" he hissed as the dynamic duo rushed past his door.

"_You_ can go to hell Hidan!" snapped Deidara over his shoulder.

"Hi Hidan-chan! Tobi is sorry to be brief but ohayo and sayonara!" he said hurriedly, running so fast that a trail of dust followed behind him.

"Don't add fucking -chan to my name ya dumbass lollipop face!"

But the pair had already disappeared at the next corner. Hidan rubbed his forehead, muttering a stream of colorful words under his breath. "

"Fucking Tobi and fucking blondie. I fucking swear I will serve them on a silver platter to Jashin one of these days…with a damn apple plunged in their big ass mouths to boot."

"Hidan." The Jashinist looked up as Kakuzu exited from his room across from his. "I see you got out that wall."

"Yeah, with no thanks to you; fucking Tobi was the one who got me out as usual. Of course I beat his retarded ass for taking so damn long to do so. You call yourself my Jashin damned partner?! You're nothing but shit to me ya dickhead!"

"The feeling is mutual I assure you."

"Oh really? Go drown in the pits of Hell you fucktard!"

"If you were intelligent enough," Kakuzu began irritably, "you would know I can't _drown_ in Hell, I'd _burn _in Hell, you fucking retarded piece of overly zealous shit."

Hidan gaped, astonished by not the language but rather how calm the words came out. Usually he'd be at least punched, beheaded, maimed, etc at this point.

"Who are you and where is the real damn Kakuzu?"

"Right here. I am not going to let you spoil my day. I'm going on a high bounty trip today with you **not **as my partner (which is a celebration in itself). Sasori is coming with me…speaking of the puppet…there he is."

The redhead nodded to the stitched man as he entered the hall. "Come on Kakuzu you know I don't like to be kept waiting."

"What—wait what the fuck is this bull shit?!" Hidan spluttered, shocked. "You betrayed me! You old motha fucking bastard!"

"Someone's jealous," noted Sasori with a lazy smirk.

Hidan glared. "Am fucking not. I just want to know what's going on."

"Since you always bitch about my bounties, I decided to have Sasori here accompany me instead." explained Kakuzu.

"Is it permanent?"

"Unfortunately no."

"Aw fuck it. Oh well this is good for me anyway. Now I can get more sleep. Screw you sons of bitches, I'm sleeping in today!"

Hidan withdrew his silver head and slammed his door shut.

"Now I wish I _was_ partnered with you," muttered the Taki nin to the puppet as they headed out to carry out the mission.

* * *

Pein looked up from his desk as his "Angel" entered in his office in her night clothes still.

"Morning, Konan."

"Morning…" She yawned widely. "You're up early."

"Paperwork my dear…cursed paperwork."

"You should get Madara in here and tell his ass to help you," stated the bluenette, frowning at the unfairness.

Pein shook his spiked hair. "Nah…then I couldn't watch Junjou on my laptop. The man just doesn't like Yaoi for some reason."

"Well he's missing out."

"Totally. Konan, make me breakfast."

"Nagato I'm not your mother," she sighed. "Make it yourself."

"But Konaaaaannn…"

"Fine just quit the whiny voice already I can't stand it."

"Yaye for that." Konan rolled her eyes and headed out. "I want a Western breakfast today! That means buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup topped with strawberries, sizzling bacon, mouth watering sausages, freshly squeezed orange juice, perfectly buttered toast, and—"

"Yeah yeah, I got it already geez."

* * *

"Sempai please!" whined Tobi who was cornered finally with nowhere to run. "Tobi is a good boy!"

"Don't try to work that pity shit on me!" snapped Deidara, holding a C2 in his hands. He was grinning crazily as he advanced on the masked idiot. "It's high time you pay for making me suffer every waking minute of the day! My Kami I can't even go to the damn bathroom to take a shit without you fucking hanging around me, un!"

"…" Tobi was silent. "…So then sempai really was going number two? Ewwyyy."

"THAT IS THE LAST STRAW, YEAH!" howled the blonde heatedly, red in the face, "I'm going to _blow_ your _ass_ off so that you no longer have an _ass _to use!"

Tobi let loose a screamed of ultimate fear as the bomb shone a blinding white light.

Zetsu was taking a walk outside, admiring plants as usual. He suddenly stopped, catching sight of rare rose growing in the middle of nowhere.

"_Oh my…you're a pretty rose…"_ he bent down to it, smiling. _"Hi there. _**We are Zetsu.** _What is your name?"_

He listened for a few seconds and let out a light laugh. _"Oh of course its Rose-san…how small minded of me…_ **Geez your parents weren't very creative.** _Rose is a lovely name._ **That's what she is. A little Creativity wouldn't hurt. **_Even so…"_

The ground began to quake as an earthquake shook the ground. He stood up and looked for the source. But he had no need to as he heard many angry voices yell one name.

"_**DEIDARA!"**_

The plant man sighed lowly._ "Hmmm…looks like Deidara blew up our base again…time to relocate._ **That damn blonde does this every week! I am going to personally kick Madara's Uchiha ass because it's his fault as usual. **_Don't use such vulgar language in front of Rose-san. _**You should have been a** **GODAMN Pansy the way you act."**

* * *

Me: LOL! Hoped you enjoyed my random special omake.

Pein: Kami-sama why do you do this to us?

Me: You mean Datenshi-sama for I again control what happens to you.

Pein: Is that so? Then Konan go get the duct tape, some metal wire and some sheep clippers.

Konan: …Um…ok …? –leaves-

Me: -gasps- Wh-what are you gonna do with _those_?!

Pein: Oh a little of _this_…a little of **that**…-laughs evilly as he locks the doors-

Me: If anyone is reading this please call 911.


	9. Day 5 Part 2

Konan: -sighs- Cue evil dramatic music.

Pein: Thank you Konan. And now for an evil laugh. Muhahahaha! –snips sheep clips together - You will die Datenshi and thus our suffering will end at long last!

Me: -in a back corner and grins victoriously - Oh ya? That's where you're wrong! Behold a gift from **Silverwoulf!** –bright light shines as I pull out a thick notebook of papers-

Pein: HCBOMFJ (holy crap baloney oh my fucking Jashin)! Is that **Yaoi Doujinshi's?!** _Gimmie gimmie!_ –dives-

Konan: EEEEEEKKKK~YAOI~ -dives as well-

Me: Take it! –throws to opposite side of the room-

Pein and Konan: -run after it drooling- Yeah boyxboy smexy goodness! Oooh it's Rated X too?! Yaye explicit-ness!

Me: Sweet, I'm getting the hell outta here! –runs out room- Good thing **Nitrea** called 911 in advanced! But damn them they all went to eat doughnuts! Oh well. Now that I am saved and well, I will return to weasel and shark now! But in other words: Wheeeeeeeeee! Chapter eight is finally hereeeeeeeeee~it's hereeeeeeeeee! Yaye! Sorry for the delay! I'm not sugar high right now~hehehehe, wow I need to act more like an 18 year old but whatever. Screw that! Being a kid is way too much fun!

**WARNING:** **The Yaoi reference is VERY strong this time around. LOL. I blame the sugar.**

* * *

**Disclaimer: Naruto **belongs to **Masashi Kishimoto**. Yeah…I think everyone knows that by now.

**Chapter 8: **Hotel Madness with Weasel and Shark Part 2

After Kisame stopped the scarred Uchiha from slashing his eyes, they ordered room service. Currently, Itachi was lying in the high-class divan, totally hogging it by spreading eagle on the deluxe mattress, mourning audibly over his even more screwed up mind. So Kisame huffily retreated to the cushiony sofa, stomach growling for dinner.

"Damnit, where the hell is the freaking food at?" he grumbled, "I'm as starving as—"

"Kisame be silent, I am in mourning over my spoiled vision."

The shark nin narrowed his small eyes and folded his arms crossly as he grumbled, "Well _excuse me_ your _Highness_."

"Actually it's Awesomely Epic Uchiha Super Duper Uber Majestic Highness of Pwnage to you, fool."

"What the fuck is _your _problem?!" yelled Kisame as he stood up angrily. "Look I know seeing that snake bastard in a Speedo was bad but ya don't have to act all high and bitchy to me!"

Itachi sniffed haughtily. "I can be bitchy if I want."

"Oh really?" asked Kisame sardonically, stepping to the prone Uchiha, his orbs glinting ominously. "If that's true then I can do this!"

Before Itachi knew it, an overly scarlet fluffy pillow was smacked across his face. "Damnit!" The weasel sat up, coughing up a mouthful of feathery down from the pillow. **"HOSHIGAKI KISAME." **He couldn't believe his partner's blatant attack on his person.

"LMBAO (laugh my blue ass off) that is what you get motha fucker!" guffawed the Kiri nin, slapping his knee in amusement. "Ya arrogant weasel bitch!"

"I know you did not just do that to my gorgeous face Kisame," hissed Itachi dangerously, dark eyes morphing into that precarious scarlet hue.

"_Gorgeous?"_ Kisame rejoined with a sneer, "how _gorgeous_ can you be with those ugly ass wrinkles on your—fuck!"

A similar pillow rammed into his face and he was knocked off his feet, falling heavily to the ground with a bang. Kisame groaned and sat up on his haunches, rubbing his head gingerly.

"You ass—you laced that pillow with chakra didn't you?"

"Maybe," purred the weasel ever so coyly. "And for your info they're not wrinkles and they make me look even sexier than your gills do."

"Oh you are so freaking dead for that comment!" snapped Kisame, picking up his pillow.

"Bring it then blue boy."

"Unlike you I'm a man and I can prove that because my d—"

Itachi quickly stuffed an ample amount of pillow in his mouth, snarling, "You freaking perverted fish stick! Just because that is possibly true, it doesn't make you more of a man than me!"

Kisame grumbled something unintelligible due to having the pillow shoved down his throat. The Uchiha narrowed his eyes and unwillingly removed the pillow from its position.

"What did you say?"

"I was, cough, saying," choked Kisame, thumping his chest to help him breathe easier, "my diaphragm is much bigger than yours."

"What?!" Itachi blanched. "Y-you mean you weren't…?"

"That's right…" Kisame wiggled his eyebrow suggestively. "Oh ho…whose the _perv_ now, ya dirty minded weasel? Although I couldn't agree more—my manhood is obviously MUCH bigger!"

The volatile Uchiha let out a demented shriek at the stinging jeer and tackled his shocked partner in a frenzied fury.

A vicious all-out S-rank shinobi pillow fight initiated. Armed with the chakra induced posh pillows, they began beating each other furiously. White feathers flew everywhere, dancing about the luxurious room whimsically accompanied by heated hisses and sharp snarls from the fighters.

* * *

Twenty year old Harune (the hotel receptionist) was cheerfully pushing the deluxe dinner for our currently feuding weasel and shark, heading for their room.

Kisame had ordered the Seafood Fanatic Special with various types of shrimp, fish, and other ocean dwellers. He had specifically asked shark **not** be included. Itachi had ordered a simple dinner of onigiri (with seaweed in it) and cabbage, his favorite foods.

"I hope they like it," she said hopefully, blue orbs alight with optimism. "…Huh…odd but I suddenly don't remember when I gave them a room anyway…oh well!" _It's so cool to have such interesting guest!_

The blissfully ignorant young woman turned on their section, blonde ponytail swinging wildly and within seconds, reached the space. She pulled out the master card key and slid it through the designated electric lock. It beeped loudly, signaling it was open. Smiling, the blonde reached for the door handle when she heard yelling from inside.

"Huh…?" Curiosity took over and she cracked the door a smidgeon, peeking inside. She couldn't see much until she tilted her head at an angle. Harune partially saw that two shifting bodies were in a tangled heap on the floor. _What's going on…? _But what she heard next made her gasp as realization dawned on her.

"Your ass is so mine!" roared the Uchiha, placing a well aimed hit across the large shinobi's chest that she didn't see. They had ditched the pillows a while ago and resorted to good ole fist.

"OW! You little bastard, you're so damn rough!"

"That's how I like it bitch!"

"Oh really? Then I'm about to pound you mercilessly into the floor!"

"Let's see you try me! Come on then!"

"O-oh…oh m-my g-goodness…" she whispered faintly, feeling lightheaded. _They're…they're doing IT…_

"Hey you just bit me!! Who bites these days?!" howled Kisame. "Stop fucking around and take it like a man!"

"You first!"

"No you!"

"You!"

"YOU, ya stubborn ass weasel!"

"Ehem…"

Itachi and Kisame ceased all movement as they heard the cleared throat of another person. The young hotel lady had finally gathered the nerve to open the door fully and now was just standing there with a wide-eyed, slightly lustful gaze.

"I-I'm so sorry, I am interrupting something?" she asked awkwardly, blushing heavily. _Are they arguing over who should be seme and uke? Eekk! Hotness~_

"No," Itachi stated bluntly even though he was positioned right in between Kisame's legs.

"O-oh…" She gave them a silly grin, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly. "W-well I brought your food…sorry it took so long but I wanted it to come nice and hot…" She blushed upon realizing her words weren't exactly the greatest chosen words to use when you misjudge what two person's questionable activities, especially the activity that she thought the two were doing.

"Nothing wrong with that." Itachi got up from between Kisame's legs and stood up straight. "Thank you."

Harune hurriedly pushed the food in and went back to the front of the door and bowed. "…Um…I know my opinion doesn't matter much but I think you—" She looked pointedly at Kisame, "—would be the better uke."

"**WHAT?!"** Kisame was shell shocked, not by what she said, meaning that she thought him and the weasel were a couple, but rather what she was implying. "Bu-but I'm…" _I'm obviously the manlier one between us!_

"Thank you Harune. Your opinion does matter," said Itachi smugly, thinking along the same ways as the shark. "I told you I'm manlier."

"Whatever!" snapped Kisame indignantly, getting to his feet. "I'm pretty sure everyone knows for a fact that I would be seme and you uke! I mean seriously," He snorted, "it's a given truth of KisaIta fan fiction."

"You're stereotyping again!" hissed Itachi. "Just because I seem feminine, it doesn't mean I can't take you on in **that** way!"

Kisame smirked arrogantly, his sharpened teeth revealed partially.

"Then why don't you try?"

"_Wh-What?!"_ Itachi went dark scarlet at that, cheeks overflowing with the bright color.

They heard a thump by the door. Both saw that Harune had passed out.

* * *

Our weasel and shark were finally getting along again after having their stomach's filled. Harune (after cleaning up the feathery mess they made) had (very flustered like) apologized profusely for unprofessionally fainting in front of them and had offered to take the full charge for the food on their bill, but Itachi politely declined (payback for Pein's punishment for them). Then she had left quickly, mumbling something about reading some lemony yaoi fan fiction.

As of now, the partners were just relaxing in their shared room. Itachi was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring off into space while Kisame was laughing at a random comedy on TV.

"OMFG, no he didn't just pie her in the face!" he guffawed. "Classic!"

Itachi glanced at the chortling blue man. "Kisame…it's late I believe we should head for bed."

"Noouu I wanna watch the rest of this shit! You can go to bed."

"I can't sleep with the TV on."

The shark rolled his eyes. "What are you freaking weird or freaking psychopathic? All you have to do is close your eyes and then wa-la, no light."

"I don't want to have another dispute with you Kisame…now either you turn out that TV or I turn your body inside out."

"Gee you _ARE_ psychopathic after all," grumbled Kisame as he shut off the glowing screen reluctantly.

"Tends to happen after you slaughter your entire clan with the help of a maniacal old man who wants to do the ever cliché take over the world plot."

Kisame blinked. "Huh?"

"Never mind."

* * *

"Itachi hurry up in the bathroom so I can change into my pjs."

"Mmmkk…I bushing ma teeffs," Itachi replied back incoherently. (Ok I'm brushing my teeth.)

"Whatever that means," mumbled the shark, leaning against the wall next to the bathroom door.

Shortly Itachi came out wearing a white t-shirt with black shorts. He glanced at his partner.

"…You can go in now."

"No shit."

Itachi narrowed his smoky gray orbs, lips forming a frown as he growled, "Don't use that tone of language with me."

"What are you my mother?"

"Actually no because your mom was a great white shark."

"You asshole, you're dead!" shouted an enraged Kisame, lunging for the weasel.

* * *

It was ten o'clock at night before the weasel and shark finally got over themselves and settled down. But now the constantly feuding partners had an even bigger problem.

The bed.

Both stood on opposite sides of the bed. Kisame looked at Itachi and they locked eyes with each other.

"Soooooo…"

"…So…"

"So screw you—I got the bed—_eeeeeyah!"_

Kisame was kicked most harshly in the chest just as he Shamu dove for it, sending him across the room and into the wall. "Oh my fucking damnit! Why the hell do you always do that?!" he hissed, sitting up. "I didn't even say anything perverted this time!"

Itachi snorted frostily. "You would have eventually so that is future attack. Besides, you can't hog the bed from me. I'm the reason we are in this hotel."

"Then what do you propose we do oh great Uchiha?" asked Kisame contemptuously, stiffly rising to his feet.

"We share it together obviously."

"Hell no," snapped Kisame, "I ain't about to share a bed with a psychotic weasel such as yourself."

"Then you sleep on the floor," Itachi responded coolly, getting into the bed. "Goodnight."

"I fucking hate you," mumbled Kisame as he got up, "but there is just no way I am gonna miss out sleeping on a luxurious bed like this."

The harassed shark headed for the bed, turning off the lamp on his way, and climbed in under the covers with his crazy partner. The room was pitch black and the silence loud.

"Well…" began Kisame slowly, "since we're in the perfect situation we might as well just—**OH FUDGE CAKES!" **A well placed kick to the bigger man's lower region cut the shark off as he gave out a loud wail of pain.

"That ought to teach you to keep your privates to yourself," growled Itachi irritably.

"Bu-but you said that kick before was for the future!" whined Kisame, whimpering pitifully at the searing pain.

"I say a lot of things I don't mean."

"You fucking jackass…"

* * *

The wan full moon outside the window of the weasel and shark's hotel room shed little light in the dark space. It was nearing midnight and Kisame had yet to fall asleep. Itachi was dozing peacefully, his back turned to his partner's. The Kiri nin had been so terribly bored that he had started to braid the silky black ponytail of the weasel. Surprisingly, Itachi never awoke, even when Kisame pulled the newly braided ponytail curiously.

"Insomnia's a real bitch…" grunted the shark, rolling on his side for the tenth time, seeking a comfortable position. He sighed and also flipped his pillow over to the cooler side.

Another fifteen minutes passed and he decided he would go crazy if he didn't have Itachi awake. So he poked the ex-Konoha nin in the back right between the shoulder blades.

"Hey Itachi…"

No response.

"Heeeeeyyy Itachi…"

Again no reaction.

"I fucked Kakuzu before we went on the mission."

"**WHHAAATTT!!!???"** Itachi shrieked, leaping out the covers and snapped his head to Kisame's, eyes wide with disbelief.

"Damn I didn't expect that…" said Kisame, shocked. "Only kidding."

Itachi's eyes went back to normal and he sat down on the bed, rubbing his tired orbs. "Kisame…what is the meaning of this…" He glanced out the window. "It's still late…"

"I can't sleep."

"Why Kisame?"

"I just can't."

"Then allow me the grace to fall back asleep and not care," Itachi sighed lying back down.

"Noo…I'm bored. Tell me something interesting."

"Fine," yawned the weasel. He rolled over and faced the shark and said jadedly, "Did you know that Hidan has a stash of porn magazines under his bed?"

Kisame's eyes widened in mild surprise. "No…wait how did _you_ know?"

"We look at them together."

"Oh…ok…_**WHAT?!"**_ Kisame's face goes white and his jaw dropped. _"Y-you're kidding." _Apparently not as Itachi just gave him a solid look of cold indifference. "Well damn and here I thought you were asexual."

Itachi blinked. "Asexual?"

"Forget it…" Kisame shook his head. _So intelligent and yet so clueless. _"Ok I'll try to sleep now. Goodnight."

"Night."

Six minutes later…

"Hey Itachi…"

"What is it now Kisame?"

"…How come you call Sasuke foolish all the time and poke him in the head?"

"Force of habit I suppose."

"Oh…well good night."

"Good night."

Four minutes passed.

"Itachi…"

"What?"

"Tell me a story that won't scar me for life."

"No."

"Aww…why not?"

"Because I said so."

"You're mean," pouted the shark. "Fine goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Two minutes passed quickly.

"Itachi? Can you get me a glass of water? Then rub my back and sing to me so I can try to fall asleep?"

The weasel just groaned in his pillow. It was going to be a long, sleepless night.

* * *

Itachi watched the golden sun rise from the window. His smoky gray orbs were lined with heavy bags, signs of paltry sleep. He looked darkly to Kisame who was sleeping like a baby, his thumb even in his mouth. Subsequent to the weasel doing all those things as requested, Kisame had easily fallen asleep…and then the Uchiha himself couldn't fall asleep. And Itachi did not want to wake up his odd partner after going through all that trouble to get him to fall asleep.

'_Damn irony…' _thought he irritably, wanting to bash his head against the wall.

"**AAAAAAAHHHH!" **

Itachi jumped in shocked as Kisame screamed like a shrill banshee and rolled off the bed. He crawled to Kisame's side of the bed and observed the shark on the floor with a befuddled expression.

"Kisame…?"

At the sound of his name, the Kiri nin opened his eyes and he proceeded to tackle the weasel in a glomp hug and they both sprawled on the bed.

"Oh Itachi it was terrible! I had a bad dream that I was on the menu at Mc Donald's as the Filla-o-Fish special!"

"It's okay…" mumbled Itachi, awkwardly patting the larger man on the back soothingly, "it's gonna be alright…"

"I'm a shark damnit!" continued Kisame dourly, "I shouldn't even be on that fat inducing, heart attack on the bun franchise establishment anyway!"

"Yes yes…I know…but it was just a dream…so please…get off before you crush my ribs…"

"Oh my bad." Kisame got up and let the weasel regain himself. "Thanks for comforting me."

Itachi sighed. "Not a problem…"

"Yeah…good morning by the way!" exclaimed Kisame jubilantly. "How was your sleep?! Mine was fantabulous after you did all those nice things for me!"

The ex-Konoha nin said nothing and just ran a hand down his ponytail but stopped suddenly.

"Kisame why is my ponytail in a braid?"

"Yeah…about that…"

* * *

"Come on Itachi this is ridiculous!" yelled Kisame, banging on the bathroom door. "You've been in there for an hour and a half doing your hair!"

"It's your fault that my straight pony is now a puffy mess!"

"Well how did you not notice it all that time you were up?!" asked Kisame exasperatedly.

"I don't know!" Itachi yelled back.

"I need to take a piss damnit! Open the door!"

"Hold you horses—or sharks."

"Ok…I'm about to break down this door and wring your scrawny little Uchiha neck in a sec if you do not—ITAI!"

The door bust opened and unfortunately Kisame was right in front of the door. Itachi stepped out and looked down his nose at the older shinobi clutching his nose in pain.

"Why the hell would you stand in front of a door?"

"Just shut up," he grumbled standing up. "Geez, why do I keep getting cut off with some form of pain?"

"Ask the author."

"Maybe I will after this crazy mission."

Itachi chuckled and walked to the bed only to stub his big toe right on the edge. He let out a piercing cry of anger and pain and a heated string of, "Good God mutha fucker shit ass biscuit bitch hoe bag man whore sonava bitch slut whore fuck damn bastard asshole fuck! That hurts!"

Kisame blinked twice, shocked at the fetid colorful language that not even Hidan himself had yet pulled off.

"I can't believe you used every curse word known to the author in one full fledge sentence."

"Go fuck yourself," snapped Itachi, put in a bad mood by the pain.

Calmly, Kisame replied, "Would you prefer the bed or—**holy shit!"**

As usual for his pervert remark, Kisame was sent flying. Because he was standing in front of the bathroom, he landed in the tub inside and the curtains clattered to the ground around him. The shower came on for some reason and the lukewarm liquid poured down on the harassed shark.

"Itai…" he moaned, grabbing his throbbing head. "In the words of Shigure Sohma from Fruits Baskets: Misdirected rage equals being an asshole."

"Well in my dictionary blind pain stimulated rage equals take it out on an unfortunate shinobi named Kisame."

* * *

Following a few hours later, our weasel and shark exited the room after being severed breakfast by a flustered Harune, who secretly wanted to catch them in another questionable act. Now they were saying their goodbyes to the impulsive lady at the counter and were preparing to head out.

"I hope you had a pleasant stay at Takaimiki!" she said cheerfully.

"You have no idea…" grumbled Kisame moodily.

"It was fine," said Itachi emotionlessly. "Thank you for your service."

"No problem! Be sure to come again with your boyfriend!"

"Yeah well think about that…" muttered Kisame. "Hey wait—he's not my boyfriend!"

"Why not?" she asked curiously.

"I have many horrid reasons that would make you scream."

Itachi glared at Kisame and simultaneously hissed, "He has no idea what he's talking about.

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Come on Itachi, I want to get out of here."

"Wait that reminds me…" said the ex-Konoha nin abruptly, "Harune-san, be sure to burn all your white towels."

She cocked her head to the side, confused. "Um…why?"

"You don't want to know. Let's just say—"

"Itachi-kun!"

Said Uchiha paled immensely, looking sick as he slowly turned and locked eyes with Orochimaru as he came out the elevator.

"Oh hell no…" groaned Kisame.

"OMIGOSH, How long has it been!?" the snake squealed fan girlishly, dashing to him. "You're as lovely as ever! I thought I saw your brother but that's another story! Come give Orochi a great big huggle puffle!"

"Huggle puffle?" said Kabuto to himself, shaking his head as he too exited the elevator. "Why do I stay with this guy?"

"Kisame, it is time to get the hell outta dodge!"

"Finally. Later Harune!"

"Ok?" she said blankly, watching the partners rush frantically for the door.

"Wait Itachi-kun!" cried Orochimaru, pursuing them. "I want to glomp you!"

"Stay the hell away from me!" Itachi shouted over his shoulder.

Their extortionate stay at Taimiki ended up extremely unpleasant after all for our ill-fated weasel and shark…

_Mini Omake_

Akatsuki Base: Pein's Office

"Nagato, I brought the mail," announced Konan cheerily, carrying a stack of the usual envelopes to her childhood friend of many years (and possibly secret lover).

"Thanks Konan."

"No problem. Don't forget Junjou Romantica Yaoi happy hour is today, ok?"

"How could I forget something that _important_ Konan?" he muttered, giggling gleefully.

Konan grinned and walked out. Pein took a look at the letter.

"What's this? A credit statement…hmm…strange, I don't remember using my credit card this month…but let's see what is says."

The orange haired Akatsuki leader (not really) drank his coffee as he calmly opened the enclosed letter and took out the thin document within. Pein took one look and spit out his coffee in a brown river rush.

"I spent _**HOW MUCH**_ at _**WHERE?!" **_

* * *

Me: And that concludes the epic Hotel arc.

Kisame: -yells suddenly- It's not fair why do I have to look like a shark?

Me: It's okay Kisa-kun! You're beautiful and awesome the way you are! –glomps- Even though I kept on letting Itachi attack you!

Kisame: Yaye people do love me!

Me: It would make me and Kisame really happy if you reviewed! We will happily glomp you!

Itachi: What about me?

Kisame and Me: -says coldly- What about you weasel? Buzz off and go to your emo corner.

Itachi: -goes to sulks in a corner- *They both dissed me just like that…*


End file.
